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i am a worthy human being. so i have a friend and peer in the program, that seems to travel with a black cloud over their head. i may be cynical and dark, but this individual at times makes me look like Mary Poppins, which is certainly an ironic visual considering who and what i am. speaking to them, not so long ago, they 'fessed up to be caught at the end of their 8TH step, unable to find the willingness to forgive themselves.
i certainly could run with that notion, adding all sorts of intrigues on to that revelation, and maybe, nah not today, where i am going is that once upon a time that was me, and although i understand and empathize being there i can see my way back to that spot and what it took to become who i am today. as i sit here this morning, watching the marine layer burn off and listening to crashing surf, i wonder where the notion that i was worth less or even worthless came from in me. it was not my family, although i would love to blame them from time to time. culture and society, were certainly part of that mix, but more telling is the fact that by not being able to be social and fit in, i thought i was broken, and if i was broken than i must not have the same worth as everyone else, after all a broken vase is sold for pennies, unless it is a shard of ancient pottery. what i am getting is that because i was not like my peers, i was not worth as much as they were and when i got high that very first time, those feelings went away, and stayed away, until i entered the rooms and started working a program.
the notion i walked away with this morning was that my job is not to find out “why,” but rather to find the path to “no more.” no more self-abasement; no more of allowing others to have power over me, because i feel less worthy than them and no more judging my worth on the number of social connections i maintain, day by day. honestly, most of this is resolved and what i see in others when they interact with me is mutual respect. i know who i am, i know where my strengths and weaknesses are and i have learned that for me, self-esteem does not come from muttering aspirations at my reflection in a mirror, or chanting them like some sort of panacea mantra. no for me self-esteem comes from being who i am, living in the rel world and being the man i am today, with little care or concern what your judgement of what and who i am, may be. that state, while wonderful when i can reach it, is an ideal and not the reality of my life every second of every day. i slip, i falter and i desire to look better than i am, and yet i work to achieve that ”humility nirvana.“
if i am ever asked to provide advice to my friend, i will simply say get over it, stop fighting the sh!t story you have told yourself and add your name to your amends list and move on. you are the only barrier between becoming something more than you are today. after all, someone had to tell me that exact same thing all those days ago, so i could stop thinking myself as unfixable, unlovable and unforgivable.

∞ DT ∞