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is a voice that screams deprecating, degrading and disrespectful tirades at me, even with a minute clean. that voice was bolstered by the lie i first told myself, when i was less than capable of making decisions about who i was, that became my overarching truth. that voice robbed me of having any self-esteem and left in in a constant state of FEAR. i was afraid i would be “found out” that i was broken and that my false front would be stripped away, leaving me naked and vulnerable to the entire world. learning to live in that sort of FEAR, did little to convince me i had any worth and learning to be larger than life, was the only way i could combat those feelings, or at least that is what i believed.
yesterday, i spent the day, trying to get a development environment setup on two different computers, and my lack of success, started that evil chorus all over again. at least i had the good sense to walk away and let it go, until this morning. i may not be the brightest bulb in the pack, i went far too long without admitting to anyone i was stuck, but i was at least smart enough to finally concede i was having issues. today, as i attempt to once again, get it up and running, as well as get my daily self-care routine in as well, i can be certain that i am okay, just as i am. i am worth being hired and i will do my damnedest to demonstrate my talent and ability this morning. i have got a fresh container exactly where i told my perspective employers i had it, so when we start this morning, perhaps they can show me where i am going wrong. now i feel confident enough about where i am, that i can get out on the streets and get some miles down. what was yesterday, is no more today, and for that i am grateful.
self-esteem? after living decades under the guise of being broken, learning to see myself as whole and genuine, is quite a leap of FAITH. i am moving in that direction, even today, will i get the job i am trying out for? i certainly hope so and will be allowing myself to hear what i am being told and adjust what i am doing, to match those suggestions. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to live a life out from under the cloud of internal tirades about how broken i am and believe that i am just as broken as most of my fellow humans, just for today.

∞ DT ∞