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some days i may feel that my feelings of inferiority were where all my problems began. of course some days i do not, and that is how it goes. i could stop right there, but this morning i heard a bit more, when i took the time to actually listen. i am running around trying to get a boat load of stuff completed before this day ends, and of course, as a result, i cannot center very well, and find myself doing the same things over and over again. as a result of all this frantic behavior, i was quite tempted just to phone this in, HOWEVER, i need to take the time and space to allow myself to understand what it was i heard, when i spent the microsecond to listen to what i read.
okay now that i have stepped back and taken a breather, what i heard and what i feel today, is that when i was active in my addiction, i took already battered self-esteem, to an all time low. i may not have consciously told myself i was worthless, but i certainly did not believe that i was worth a whole lot of effort to make myself better. i deluded myself into thinking that i was just FINE the way i was, and although change may have been necessary, it was not desired. when the substances were removed, all of a sudden i was finally capable of seeing what i had become, and in those bleak days of early recovery, i never had any hope of getting any better, emotionally and as a person. i saw those who had gone before, and although they appeared to be better, they still exercised behaviors that i was intimately acquainted with, and ones i was no longer willing to engage in. i had forgotten that they too, were humans, and still suffered from the human condition of being less than perfect. as i progressed through that first set of steps, way back when, i slowly came to the realization that low self-esteem was among my issues, and if i wanted to get any better, i would have to discover a new method of treating myself. part of that realization was an awakening to the fact that although those who went before me, still slipped into undesirable behavior, they were doing their best, and that all that was ever asked of me was to do likewise, to do my best to apply these principles in my life and learn to live the program on a daily basis.
coming to believe that i was worth doing the work necessary to become a fully-realized person was a cinch after that, and my belief system about my personal recovery is built upon that realization. not that i am some paragon of self-esteem today, but most of the time i do believe i am worthy of doing whatever i need to do, to maintain my life in recovery and as a byproduct, my life in the real world. so, with that it is time to go to the dentist and get on with my day, refreshed from a moment to myself and the denizens of the cyber-world.

∞ DT ∞