Blog entry for:

is to put my recovery first.
i could say that i really **liked** or **disliked** this reading, but i no can no longer blow off the feelings i get when i read these entries. alas, those days are gone, and more than likely will not return. when i read this, this morning, my first though was, “DUH, everyone knows, that the gift of a busy full life for an addict like me is the RESULT of an active program of recovery!”
diving a bit deeper, once i let go of the petty frustration i had with the cable company, my next thought was is the really the reality of the situation. as i am smack dab in the middle of my crazy season, this is one of those readings that makes me dig deeper that just the primary premise. this reading provides the ammunition to counter the insanity that comes up just around my clean time celebration. some days are better than others, and i am more or less sane, this morning i woke up and was hit with a minor obstacle to my routine, and when i called the support center on the sub-continent that has become the cable company's voice in the wee hours of the morning, i was ready to go off. they did provide me all the useless information they had access to, and it was not acceptable to me, because i WANTED TO GO OFF!
what happened next? well i took a breath, and hung up while i was on hold to speak to a supervisor. when i started to see that i was reacting to my feelings and it was not lack of the internet that was the real problem. my problem was the unresolved feelings i had over the events of the past few weeks. it started last night, when i saw my sponsee who i thought was lost in active addiction and spinning towards a destination that would offer very little chance of return. of course he is angry, and of course because his FOURTH STEP is now in the hands of community corrections, he is angry. of course, it is the program and not his own behavior that caused his current predicament. all of this is expected behavior for a newcomer, and as much as i hate to admit it, that after working together with him for the past year, that is exactly what he is once again. with less than a week clean, he has little chance of getting the sh!t sorted out, and it is up to me, to sort my own sh!t out and separate it from his. as rational as i want to be, i am pissed off at him, not for coming back, but for going out. honestly, his using experience is what drove him back and although i would have preferred he stay clean, it was effects of using that made him desperate enough to face his consequences. why am i so pissed off? because i thought he was better than that, when the truth is, that he was sliding down towards active addiction the whole time. the real source of my anger is that i am and was so fVcking powerless to get him spun back in the direction of recovery before it was too late. i HATE to be reminded of how powerless i am, and all of this finally brings back to the point of the reading that i walked away with this morning:
I HAVE WHAT I HAVE BECAUSE OF THE PROGRAM NOT DESPITE IT!
if i want to keep what i have, and the gift i am talking about here is a life that is so full, that i can bitch about how little time i have, THAN i got to keep doing what i have done. yes meetings can be boring and often feel like a waste of time. yes, step work seems to cover the same ground over and over again. and yes, a life with little chaos in it, seems boring, but that is what has brought me to this place. all the evidence clearly points out, that is what will keep me here and allow me to grow. the choice is clear, now that i have gotten out the anger, i am what i am, because i go to meetings, work steps, do service, work with others and do my best to live a program of active recovery. with that thought in mind, it is time to jump in the shower and get moving into my day, or better put, move into the next phase of my day. it is a good day to remember that recovery is the gift that keeps on giving, but what i get out of it is proportional to the effort i put into it.
off to the showers and into a new day of my reality.

∞ DT ∞