Blog entry for:

those were two words that i once believed described my life in active addiction. to say that i was confused and delusional in that notion is an understatement. i also once believed that if i could achieve two or more years of abstinence, i could and would return to a life that allowed me to use and be successful doing so. for me, it is a **no-brainer** that i have to stay close to the source of my recovery and that i still NEED the answers to the puzzle of living clean, provided to me from my peers, when i attend meetings. as i am coming to a place where examining the lies that are the foundation of my identity, these two seem to be ones of a “lesser evil.”
the nature of those two pillars of my reluctance to commit to this TWELVE STEP program, was based on the notion that i was a successfully using addict. i had a job, i slept inside and i had many of the creature comforts that make modern life enjoyable. i could conveniently ignore the fact that i sacrificed relationships and a car, on the altar of finding the ways and means. the job, working at my family's business was far below what i could accomplish and certainly was the last house of the block. the roof over my head was a room in a house, rather than my own place and many nights i traded the cash i would use to feed myself, just to get high. of course the fact that i was not living the American Dream was not my fault and certainly not a result of my uncontrollable using. it was that i was born under a “bad sign” and never caught a “lucky break.”
these days, i admit i am an addict and know where the source of my life in recovery comes from. i may have a bit of time between today and the last time i used, but as i have said in the past, the opportunity to use, is all around me, every day. i have no illusions left about being able to use just once. when i consider my life in active addiction, i never was able to use just one, i had to go all the way, and then maintain that state, by using even more. the life i have today, is one in which i am productive and responsible. being the lazy slob i can be, i have found the gift of ZOOM, that allows me the freedom to attend a meeting five or more days a week, without ever leaving my home. that gift has kept me connected in these times of social isolation. as my parents seem to be aging much quicker these days, i am stepping up my responsibility to care for them, by rolling into their lives on a much more frequent basis. i have been resisting being responsible for them, but i can no longer duck the issue.
reality may suck, or i can go down that path and continue to shift the responsibility to everyone else but me. the fact is reality, is just real and this addict can and will step up to be an active part of his life, instead of whining about how bad everything is. so it is time to post this exercise and go do some physical exercise, as if i want to become more fit, i have to be responsible for that as well, just for today.

∞ DT ∞