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life goes on and the demands of everyday living sometimes make me ask myself, **how long do I have to go to these meetings?**
that question comes up every now and again for me, and the old trite answer that i heard so many days ago is, until i want to goo to meetings.
i, however, am tired of living my recovery based on bumper stickers and clichés and have to put a bit more thought into what i really want to say, and how to express what i really believe. after some thought about what went wrong at the meeting the other night, i realized that i had not done any workout on Sunday, in fact it was a planned rest day, and as a result, i did not get my daily shot of endorphins. i forgot that i was an addict, and that although quite natural and produced by my body, endorphins are like street dru8s and pharmaceuticals, and my body, at least the part i call my addict, dues not know the difference. i have noticed this effect in the past, but never dealt with how i felt when i am under that particular gun.
that is, however, the past, and what came to me this morning as i was listening quietly to my heart beat, was that i need to to return to at least one more meeting a week. my current spiritual state is not bad these days, as the men i sponsor have kept me moving forward by asking for my time to help them move forward. it may be true that there is no physical move from my Eleventh Step, but emotionally and spiritually i have been creeping towards Step 12. each day has brought greater clarity about who and what i am, and even more importantly a clearer sense of who i want to be. i see two roads, although i am certain there are many more, beyond the scope of my current vision. i could go into some trite metaphor here about the relative steepness and difficulty of the paths i see, i could, but i will not. the path of least resistance is the one where i allow my life to take over and walk away from recovery. the result of doing nothing and floating out the doors on a cloud of being in the eighty percent, or so, of ordinary humans who are not addicts, is quite tempting. the result of that path would more than likely involve pain and suffering for both me and those who have come to love me, as the addict within retakes over my life. the other path, while not as easy, will lead to my continued recovery and spiritual growth. not that there is no pain along that road, but the pain i feel on this path, leads to the reward of a life free from active addiction. this road, unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how i feel at the moment, include continued meeting attendance, and will continue to do so. the cost of three or four hours out of my life to make this happen may seem great to me at times, but the rewards of living another day clean is worth paying that price. yes, i have a life these days, and yes i would like to have more time for more activities, BUT i know living a program means showing up for meetings -- after all meeting makers make it!
a bumper sticker ending for a conforming non-conformist, so it is off to the get my daily fix of physical exercise and into a world that i am a bit more clear about where i fit. life is worth being a part of this morning, so with a bit of gratitude i accept that it will offer, what it will offer and move on.

∞ DT ∞