Blog entry for:

to recover from addiction, allowing me to live the fullest life possible.
well, i just got a text, from a peer and a friend, who asked me what putting my recovery first meant to me. i spouted off the party line, because at the time it seemed appropriate and it also part of my value system. i have seen what happens to members who drift away from meetings, more importantly though, there are lots of members who drift away and never are seen again. the party line here, is that they are using or they were never addicts, in the first place. while all of that is comforting, there is a nagging suspicion in my head, that maybe, after some time clean, perhaps i do not need to be quite as diligent as i was in the beginning. that perhaps, i too could drift away from meetings and live life like the “normal” people do. sort of a class envy kind of thing, that somehow, if i do this long enough, addiction will not be a force in my life anymore. ahh, the joys of denial, or not. it could be that i have been partaking of this Kool-Ade for so long, i have lost my ability to be critically think in this regard. i mean as much as i hate to admit it, the clichés, snippets of literature and the pat answers, just roll off my tongue. when presented with a dilemma, the filter of what the fellowship says, kicks in and i generally consider that answer as the preferred one. once upon a time, i could not only not identify what i was feeling, i would even had said that i was devoid of any feelings, or even better i could fix that with something that was just a heartbeat away from making all my cares and woes disappear.
which brings me to another conversation i had yesterday, with yet another peer and friend. all of my life, i thought that somehow, i had a greater purpose, i had to accomplish something grand and that i was put here to make a splash. active addiction was quite a splash, but not really the splash i wanted to make. yes i got the attention of everyone in my life and succès de scandale provided me what i so desperately craved, attention but no attachment. recovery, has not yet eliminated that need, i still desire the attention of those in my life, but i am not willing to pay the price of notoriety to get it. as i stay clean, and yes attend meetings on a regular basis, i am reminded of what i was and see what i can become. today i want attachment and attention, and although my true purpose has yet to be revealed to me, at least i am fairly certain that i am on my way to accomplishing it, one day at a time. that progress, at least for me, can only be fostered by being tin the middle of the pack, or boat or whatever metaphor one may conjure to describe the life of an addict who is actively recovering. in order to stay there, i need to be a part of, and for me, the only way i can remain part of, is to attend the same meetings, on a very consistent basis. based on my experience, anything i do on a ad-hoc or haphazard basis never bears the fruit i desire. whether that was school, relationships, exercise or life itself. when i stray, i drift away and start to think all sorts of things, such as why should i work out when there is a pill or combination of pills that take the weight off, make me look big and strong and young again. oops there i go, there is addiction kicking in, the easier softer way, regardless of the consequences. silly season or not, that is who i am, and unfortunately that fact does not seem to change, no matter how long i keep coming to these meetings. so just for today? well i will not be at one of my regular meetings today, as i have a different commitment i need to honor. i will however be a part of the fellowship that provides me the path to better living and listen for what i need to hear, when i get to where i am going this evening.
it is all about just for today and what i can learn today.

∞ DT ∞