Blog entry for:

make me ask myself, **How long do I have to go to these meetings?** just as pertinent for me is, **How many meetings a week do i need to go to?**
the reading speaks of the all the activities that call out for my time, i could parrot the list here, but i choose not to. i will say this, after meeting my responsibilities, some days, dragging my a$$ into a meeting is the last thing that i want to do. BUT, and yes it is a big one, i have seen what happens to members who decide their lives are too full to attend meetings on a regular basis, and for most of them the results are not what i consider stellar. it is true that i am not those others, and that i have some time, some steps and yes even some grace, and for all of those reasons, i should be able to step away from my regular meetings and be okay. in truth, that is a very strong possibility, because a lot of members in my situation, walk away from meetings and never come back, and i cannot assume, each and every one of them is out their using, and living a life of active addiction. it is likely that many of them have found a way to deal with life on its own terms without a parade of meetings in their lives.
for me? well i am far too chicken to walk away quite yet. with the example of my sponse, who is still going to meetings, plainly in sight, i see no reason compelling to walk away from meetings, yet. i get a reward by going to meetings. yes, there is the opportunity to stay clean, for that hour. yes i provide an example for those who have less clean-time than i do, by showing up on a consistent basis. as nice as all that is, the reward i GET, and yes i am looking for what is it for me these days, is that i get to hang with others who understand what goes on inside my head. when i share, i can let go of the clichés and the party line, and tell those in attendance what is going on, in effect, dumping my garbage in public to be picked over and critiqued by a group of people i have come to trust. for that slice of time, the job, my family, the war in Ukraine, the NSA surveillance state, the IS advance into Iraq and the turmoil of my friends and associates in active addiction, are left behind and i get to be present for me and for those with whom i am sharing that meeting. for those sixty to ninety minutes i get to be an addict in recovery, i get to enjoy my life without having to wonder who can get or not get what i am talking about. moire importantly, i get to suspend my judgement and not care whether or not i am being judged. i do not know of anywhere else i can go and for $2.00 get that kind of experience. and if somehow, i help another addict, of give some hope to a FNG, then that is just the cherry on top of all the rest of what i get from a meeting.
meetings are part of my activities schedule and today i am grateful that i still make the time to show-up at least three days a week. how long do i have to go? who knows, and more importantly who cares, i go because i want to go, and not because i have to go and i can leave it at that. it is however time to get rolling down the road, and it is certainly a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞