Blog entry for:

help me yo live with others as an equal, dependent upon YOU for direction and strength.
well, this morning has certainly started out a whole lot better than yesterday. after the meeting last night, i came home and vegged, and as i was doing my 10TH STEP, i realized that i lived through frustration and having my will thwarted time and time again, in that particular slice of consciousness. not only did i survive it, i actually learned a few things about myself, namely that IF i allow myself to be patient and tolerant, I CAN get through even enormous amounts of petty and trivial setbacks, as that was all i had to suffer yesterday.
this morning, as i cruise through what i want to get done, before heading down to the office, i am struck by how much more i feel at ease and at peace today. i know it is easy to feel that way, when nothing has blocked my path, but maybe, just maybe, it is because i DID not give in and act-out yesterday. i know i certainly felt like it, and i know i had the resources to do so. means, and motive and even motivation, there can be only one explanation -- THE POWER that fuels my recovery, gave me what i needed to live without doing so, and i allowed that gift or gifts to be accepted.
which is a long way round to the topic at hand -- being equal. i certainly know when i am being treated disrespectfully or like a peon or servant, i had an entire relationship based on that premise and when i realized it, i lashed out at the other participant, because i did not want to take responsibility for my part. today, i am better than that, and am vigilant for the signs that i may be the giver in that sort of relationship, consciously or unconsciously, although the latter is a cop-out and a disavowal of my responsibility. i need not stoke my ego by polishing my pedestal, accepting lifetime achievement awards or always expressing my opinion loudly and forcefully, whether it is welcome or not. those are symptoms that i have moved from equality to power in my relationships and that i am feeling less than or have a bruised ego and need to build it back up. i get that and today as i walk through my day, i will do my best to be present for what i am doing, who i am relating to and how i am feeling. it is after all, thee direction i received when i got down to brass tacks and listened to what was going on.

∞ DT ∞