Blog entry for:

get difficult, it may be tough for me to reach out and ask for help, especially after bouts of putting people, places, things and relationships ahead of my recovery. if you made it this far expecting me to write about the secrets of finding balance between romance and my recovery, you might as well give it up, as i have no inside track, other than it is one of the areas in my life, that i work the hardest to maintain. my so-called secret is to remember that everything i put in front of my recovery, i risk losing and until i learned to honor, respect, esteem and yes, love myself, i was incapable of doing that for anyone else.
what popped off the stack this morning was a couple of things, the first being my relationship with myself and the root cause of my anger and resentment towards my peer, who treated me as if i was a “knowledge vending machine.” i may have let go of the feelings, but what bugs me the most was my strong reaction and the churlish manner in which i handled it. it is true, i hate to admit i am wrong, and when wronged, i do get frosty and brief in my responses. that is a defense mechanism i have developed to counter the rage i often feel inside. the end result, is that i get some time to process and i do not have top go back and say i was sorry, as in that moment of time, i did nothing wrong. having some time to “process” what was going on with me, i see that i took a deep dive into being disrespectful to myself. the “story” goes that i had to be an idiot not to see that i am no more than a peer to that person and as such i am ripe to be asked for “favors” as needed to fit their agenda. because i took on their actions as my own failure, i lived in a moment of the self-made hell that i have been seeking an exit from, ever since i became aware of what this program could do for me and what i had to do, to get those gifts. today, i forgive my peer and have evaluated where we are in our relationship and won't get fooled again.
the other notion that popped off the stack, was how i was treating the man who calls his sponsor, who is also a ward of the state of Colorado. up to now, i have been avoiding the reality that in his current situation he is freed from having to support himself, having to think and having to make many choices. who often “asks” for stuff, especially information, that he could get through his own efforts and when i call him out on that, i am accused of being “harsh.” i see him as being confused as to what he can do for himself and where he needs to seek help from others. this is a battle that i will wage until the day he steps out into the real world with his “training wheels” as he so succinctly put it. it has always been a challenge for him to think for himself and now, more than ever, he needs to start using his native intelligence, to do just that and learn to discern what he can take responsibility for and what he needs to let go of.
for me, right here and right now, i need to deal with how far and how fast i will get my miles in today. i have taken two days off from running and am feeling as if i have become a fat and lazy slob. when the truth is actually nowhere close to that. that “story” is a descent back into the rings of that self-made hell, i referred to above. what the past few days have done for my physical self, is to give my sixty-three year old body the chance to rest and heal itself, whether i like it or not. my thoughts for right now, is to ramp up, run a half-mile and walk a half-mile and use time rather than distance as my criteria fro success, just for today.

∞ DT ∞