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or harmful behaviors, my peers in recovery and me are all still addicts in need of empathy. it is ironic that a year ago, all i could hear when i read this, was whether or not i would be able to do a training hike with my peers in the Kilimanjaro expedition group. this morning, as i used my fitness tracker to measure my dip into the void for the very first time, what kept coming up was something that used to piss me off in the meetings of that other “A” fellowship i was attending at the insistence of those who had me in their power at that time. it seemed to me, that no matter how heinous and unacceptable the actions the members shared about over there, the group always lauded that member and said, “well at least you stayed sober.” for me, that was one of the most disturbing things that i had ever witnessed in my life, and trust me, i have seen lots of disturbing events, throughout my active addiction. this morning, i “get” the intent of the groups in those situations, even if i was more than a bit appalled at the time. for me, a simple keep coming back suffices and after the meeting, if i am close to the addict who shared, or they are standing all alone, looking perplexed, i will engage them quietly one-on-one, to let them know that i may not approve or condone that behavior, but i am doing my best to see them as my equal, entitled to my empathy and support.
moving into the here and now, i am at approaching the end of dealing with my Mom's estate, i am beginning to allow myself the freedom to feel what i need to feel. i may not have been consciously suppressing my grief, anger and longing for her, but i now know that in my attempt to appear stoic and strong, i certainly was dwelling in a house of pain, that i created. this is certainly a case of where getting the shit off from what is going on underground., is unleashing a whole new set feelings that i need to explore, feel and release. there is plenty of time for that today, as i walk through this day. i am quite certain i will not even begin to touch the surface of what is going on, but it does provide me a bit of inspiration about my internal unmanageability and inspiration to start writing on my FIRST STEP assignment.

∞ DT ∞