Blog entry for:

must be the top priority in the life of this recovering addict.
romances and finances, as the trite truism goes, are the downfall of many a sincere addict in recovery. each presents its own set of problems and has its own set of rewards and neither are inherently evil or particularly tricky, for the ordinary member of the other 85%. they succeed or fail, and move on or move in, and seemingly with grace and without burning down the rest of their lives, when things go bad. me, on the other hand, do not handle success or failure in either of those areas of my life very well, and i NEED a program of recovery to help me through the rough spots there.
the reading focused on relationships, and how i can obsessively allow romance to take over my life. i see it in others, and i see it in myself, case in point, when was the last time i was at a Friday or Saturday night meeting? not that i have any regrets, but before i went on, i wanted to make sure i was qualified to speak on this topic. i am grateful that the person with whom i share my life is in recovery as well. i would certainly be using, if she was, even if she was not one of us. even though i have no direct experience with this, the examples of the staying clean with a using partner are very limited at best. it seems to me, that when one uses, the other uses as well, no matter how strong they may appear in their program, it appears to be only a matter of time. then the two step tango starts as they spin down the drain together. they are powerless, so WTF, might as well use, as that is what their higher power is doing.
yes, i get sacrificing myself at the altar of another and yet today, watching the dance, still sickens me to the core. the relation ship with someone else is more important than their relationship with themselves. been there, done that, got the T-shirt!
i feel empathy and sympathy, and wonder what would i do, if iu was in a similar situation. could i really toss my life upside down, because the woman i loved decided that just for today, she could do a little sumthin', sumthin'? would i expect her, to stay with me no matter what, if i decided that i needed a bit 'o the chronic, to ease the chronic pain between my ears?
questions, rhetorical or not, that i certainly need not face today. i have a program. i work it to the best of my ability today. as a result, i have no desire to use, and plenty of desire to do what i can to build a better relationship with the woman i love. it is BECAUSE of the program i can give and receive love, and not in spite of it. when i came to recovery i was incapable of forming any attachments and lacked the ability to care about anyone but myself. my ability to have a romance is only because i am clean today, so to sustain that, my program must be maintained as a priority.
anyhow, enough of rah - rah - cis - boom - bah, i have a life, it is because of recovery and i think i will just do what i can to strengthen my recovery and my life, just for today. so off to work i go, and i will remember all of this is a gift that needs to be cherished, as well as worked with, on a daily basis.

∞ DT ∞