Blog entry for:

even when i am deep in a romance. nothing fills that empty void, like something new and fulfilling. the excitement of losing myself in a relationship, can often feel like it is all i need, and that is how i act, disregarding, at my peril, the actions that are leading me towards sanity.
so here i sit, many hours later thinking about romance, my recovery and what it is all about. quite honestly my obsession with romance of anything, has faded over the years. perhaps, it is a sign of aging, or of growing up, or <GASP> just finding a balance in my life. no matter what the cause, the condition is not that i cannot be romanced, nor does it mean i lead a boring passionless existence, it seems to mean that there are ways and means for me to step beyond filling some need through external stimuli.
which may or may not nicely segue into what is on my mind now.
in my home group meeting this morning, the theme of the reading the speaker chose, that really jumped out at me, is how after more than a few days clean, can i still identify as an addict? it is interesting to me, that over time, i have taken on this identity and come to own it, but how do i own it without defining myself and constraining myself into the “addict” box? or better put, do i really want to be defined as an addict and stay in the one-dimensional world of addiction? i know that all the grossly apparent indications of being an addict have been nearly eliminated in my life. i do not obsessively use drugs, i do not think about using drugs and the consequences of active addiction have been addressed. in fact, for the most part, the other 80%, may not even be able to discern that i am an addict, i pass for “normal,” for the most part, and that is part of the problem, in my head, passing for and being something are two entirely different states of being.
quite a bit to think about as i lay down for a quick nap. it is after all a good day to be able to take a nap and be fairly certain i will wake up again. the rest of this? well i know what i am, and perhaps it is time to allow myself to be even more.

∞ DT ∞