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of recovery, my chances of even having romance, intimate relationships or becoming less socially awkward, are greatly diminished. the reading however spoke to what happen if i allow my program to fall victim to the effort i put into romantic relationships and not about getting there. for me, this chicken and egg issue is certainly easily resolved.
by the time i got clean, romance and intimacy were the furthest notions from my mind. using and finding the ways and means took precedence to everything else in my life. allowing myself to be seen as i really was, interfered with my ability to get what i DESIRED, whether was was my next get high or getting my nut off. life in those days was less complicated because when it came down to it, it was all about my selfish needs and acting out whatever part i need to act out to get those DESIRES fulfilled. today, because of a program of recovery, decision-making has become, at times, a process fraught with peril. okay, perhaps that is a bit of hyperbole, but at one time, it certainly felt as if every decision i made would produce consequences contrary to my desire. the decision i made to honor the one amends i made in that first set of steps, certainly made a monk out of me. even after finding someone i could care for, treading carefully into that relationship was the only way to overcome my FEAR of the pain that relationships may bring. i am grateful today for the healthy relationship i get to work on, on a daily basis, and it is because of my trepidation and stubborn adherence to the spiritual principle of integrity, that i GOT to become part of this relationship. i certainly needed all those years of working on myself, before i became fit company for someone else.
i was about to go on about what i see happening around me, but decided to wrap this up instead and head on down to the office. i am grateful that i have a program, that not only changed me into someone who could give and recieve love, but also who one who wants to be more a part of the life they have built, as a result of staying clean and figuring out how to alter my life to fit a program of recovery.

∞ DT ∞