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healthiest relationship will not guard me against the strength of addiction. as i sit here on this early December morning, getting on towards getting out and about, i can reflect on the fact that what were once the sickest of the sick in my plethora of relationships, are on their way to becoming healthier, just for today. i have see what happens to my peers when they throw away their relationship with the fellowship for romance, the result is often relapse. my experience has been to put my recovery in front of romance and my results have been mixed at best, especially back in early recovery. forming a stable, honest and equal partnership with the love of my life, has taken a minute and a shit-ton of work on my part. even now, there are days when i wonder if it is really worth it when i start down the “if only she would…” path. then i realize that i love her, because of those traits and behaviors and not despite them.
moving on down the stack, relationships, health and unhealthy ones, are next to pop off and burst into my consciousness. as i get more secure in the uncovery process of who i am, after suppressing that identity for decades, i certainly am not accepting of my “one way street” relationships, even those to which i am permanently welded. breaking the chains of my expected behaviors and reactions has been the easy part. the tough part is breaking their expectations of how i should behave and who the fVck they think i am, as they certainly are mostly clueless about that, as evidenced in the manner in which they decide to treat me. for my part, it is my expectations of them becoming healthier, less self-obsessed and less obtuse, that need to change. i am arriving at the spot that they are who they are and they will always be able to justify and rationalize away any responsibility for the sines of their lifetime. for me to be healthier, i need to let go of them getting a clue and taking a cue or two, and changing how they behave, after all, it still seems to be paying off for them.
anyhow, all of that aside, it is a good day to treat myself well, allow others to be what they will be and be okay with what i accomplish. life on this side of the lawn, in my skin, is not heinous today and for that i am grateful. i have the ways and means to foster and develop healthy relationships. i have the dessire to be a friend, a partner, a co-worker or just a random dude on the street, without expecting anything from anyone else. or at least right here and right now, one will see what happens as i step out into the streets and deal with the morning traffic. 🤣 🤣 🤣

∞ DT ∞