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or they can be a source of constant joy and amazement. of course they can be both at the same time, due to the wonderful mixed up nature of my real emotions, as opposed to those so-called emotions i so easily faked in active addiction. as i sit here this morning, i GET that the reading was speaking about keeping my priorities straight, even when i am in the thrall of the excitement of a developing romance, but for some reason it went much deeper than that this morning. i felt the regret of the opportunities i squandered in active addiction to have any sort of meaningful relationships and a bit of shame about those loves of my life, i gave away to feed my NEED for more.
i used the people in my life, just like i used the substances that allowed me to fake what i was feeling. it was the use of those substances that enabled me to be who i needed to be, and appear to feel what i needed to feel. even the tears i shed when my ex-wife left me, were only for show. what i lost was my means of support, physically and emotionally. what her needs were then and there and in the months leading up to the event, as it were, were irrelevant to me.
i get this today, and when i look at my relationships in real-time, i can see symptoms of the same behaviors creeping back in. you know, the callous disregard of what others need, and my sense of entitlement when it comes to them fulfilling my needs. one might wonder if recovery has made any permanent changes at all within me. the answer of course is no, as nothing is permanent when it comes to addicts like me. everything is always in flux and the whole cart can be toppled over by a single event, choosing to use. what is evident, however and here is where the HOPE comes ion, is that with the tools that i have been given, and under the guidance of the POWER that fuels my recovery, i can spot these behaviors as part of my daily inventory and use the corrective part of the TENTH STEP to repair the damage, before it gets way out of hand.
when i look at it this way, just having the willingness to examine my behavior in the light of my relationships is a sign that there has been a fundamental shift within, that this shift is more than likely permanent contingent upon my decision not to use, no matter what.
back to the top, maintaining my relationships through the framework of recovery i have been given is a good thing, the choices i make today can be healthier than ever before, all i have to do is allow the process to happen and become the person i truly desire to be, one who is now capable of feeling what i NEED to feel, and being a part of healthy and wholesome relationships. so off to the streets to get my exercise in for today, after all, the relationship with myself is part of that list also.

∞ DT ∞