Blog entry for:

will not guard me against the strength of addiction.the reading talked about love and romance, but the recalcitrant being that i am heard about two different relationships, which have nothing at all to do with romance and love.
i got an e-mail on an issues forma so-called expert this morning. in it they went on and on, about issues that are not pertinent to the discussion at hand. although i mostly respect this person, they are really isolated from the real world by circumstances beyond their control, so often times come off as trying to portray an authority figure. whenever i here an discussion start with “back in&hellip” i am instantly put off, as this is not then and what applied then, may be far from important now. the response, then went on and quoting this and that, most of which has absolutely nothing to do with the topic and worse, whatever the outcome, it does not even affect them. and yet they stir the pot. it is true i commented on the same thread two days ago, and the end result does not affect me. i wanted to write back this morning and rip them a bodily orifice, but decided to work on my own stuff instead. what i am feeling is strong reaction to behavior within myself that i recognize and still engage in, from time to time, playing an authority and bullying the opposition under a pile of arguments, germane or not. i certainly can and do go online and delve into the printed word to discover whatever i need to bolster my argument and then wrap it all up neatly in a piece of spiritual camouflage. in the end, it all the same, a pile of sh!t, in a very pretty box, and i look that much more, oh i do not know, better perhaps what i have discovered, is that for me, it is my substitute for actual experience and shortcoming that is fed from my defects of character. i NEED to look better than i actually am. this kind of burning emotion does not bode well for the future of this relationship, and as i move further and further away from the ivory tower and my need to have the last word, i realize that sometimes, time and distance is what i need and as i write out my venomous spew, i know that is exactly what i DO need. casting motives upon the actions of others, based on my own attitudes and experiences is another act i am quite familiar with, and one that grows more uncomfortable, day by day. i know i have to live in the real world, and as much as i like or dislike it, there are some who will hold me us as some authority figure, because i have been around a few days. honestly, that stroke my ego and when that position is challenged, of course i FEEL pissed-off and want to fight back, and fight back with a nuclear option of sorts. that too, is a behavior i have witnessed in others, time and again, and one of my shortcomings i may specifically ask to be removed, when the time comes.
today? well i have some living to do, and the world will spin as it will, with or without my concern. i have two jobs to do, i have a massage and i want to go watch football this evening. so it is off to the showers, feeling a bit calmer and certainly more serene, and in the end, it will be what it will be. yes the literature of the fellowship provides a path of living, but i have to move beyond what the words say and live in the real world. my days of isolation are over and as a result, i will have more and more relationships.
there really is more to recovery than quoting chapter and verse.

∞ DT ∞