Blog entry for:

that i have only a daily reprieve from active addiction, seems to be a trap that is easy to fall into and difficult to escape. the reading speaks of romance as a cause of this movement away from living a program and while i do not disagree, it minimizes the effect of the other relationships that are part of my life. as i am currently in a very long-term and exclusive relationship, what i can write about romancing myself right of the rooms, is only my observations of my peers, as my experience, strength and hope on this issue is time limited. although i have plenty to say on this topic, through their actions and the consequences they seem to face, it really is not what i am about this morning. to those who ask for suggestions and the men i sponsor, i just remind them, that without recovery, the chances of a meaningful relationship is practically nil.
moving on to my relationship with STEP ONE and powerlessness, i feel that i can stay as sick as i want to. through a fortunate run in fantasy football, i have boosted my self-esteem and started to believe a bit of the hype that used to drive my world. all of a sudden i feel like i am something more! being something more, means that some of the rules no longer apply, after all, i am good enough the way i am, and my lucky streak proves that as a fact. the fact of the matter is, that is a dangerous place for me to be. i have “settled” for being good enough for most of my life and i no longer accept that i have nowhere to grow into something even better. sure i use stupid little indicators of financial success as part of my identity as well as being in first place at the end of the season, in my arguments that i NEED to move along in my life and leave this whole recovery gig in a hiatus for a bit of time.yes i am telling myself that the preponderance of evidence is that i have “arrived” and no longer need to strive for anything more. as ridiculous as that may sound, that siren's song has affected many of my peers, and more and more i GET why they just stop coming.
this romance is between who i think i have become and the reality of what it takes to foster my recovery on a daily basis and that relationship is far from secure or long-term. i want to step out and live my life. step out of the constraints that i put upon myself voluntarily and live life to the fullest. the fact is, i will NOT have this choice if i decide that this is just too much work and there is a whole world of experiences out there waiting for me to partake of them. stopping and listening for a second, i so see the sophistry at work here, especially when i hide notions such as sampling this and that under the guise of an “experience.” what i am actually saying is that i want to go to the dispensary and sample their wares, after all, it is way better than it was when i came to recovery, my tolerance is way down so i could use less and what is it going to hurt? the reservation here is that after some time clean, a fundamental fact has been altered, i am no longer afflicted by addiction. maybe i never was, i was just immature and irresponsible. as is evident it is quite easy to flesh that argument out and justify all sorts of nonsense.
just for today? well just for today i will honor my commitment to myself, stay clean and yes go to a meeting. i can and will practice spiritual principles as they arise and be comfortable with the fact that yes, i am still an addict and i need to remain a member in good standing of the No Matter What Club.

∞ DT ∞