Blog entry for:

with recovery is valuable. it does not mean, however, that i am more valuable than any other addict. looking at my opinion of what equality may or may not be, across the course of my recovery journey, i can say that it certainly needed to be pitched into the bit bucket and recreated, more than once. as i became more secure in my own value, that of my peers rose or sank to match that level. when one, such as myself, comes into a situation where they are are in denial of what they believe their own value is, one has a tendency to judge and stratify others based on the flawed feelings one may be feeling. that is, at least in my experience the case. others may find that not to be true, but as i have said before, i do not paint all of “us” with a broad brush.
this morning, my intent was to hit the Rec Center early, before breakfast, so i could complete my morning routine before going to get my oil changed. when i woke up and got moving, i reconsidered how to accomplish all that i desire, without stepping out into this oh-dark-thirty morning. i ended up deciding to move forward with dispatch and getting all of this completed before i dressed out and hit the Rec Center. part of my worth, these days, is based on my current weight, which is heavier than i would like it to be. what i “heard” this morning is that i am living with a skewed version of who i think i am. that version, skewed as it is, may cause me to return to judging those around me and dropping them into buckets without any rhyme or reason, save how i feel about myself. walking out into this frosty morning, i need to remember to giver those i encounter the benefit of the doubt, even if i do not think they are “worthy” of it. i do not know what it is like to live in their skin and i would appreciate if they give me the same consideration. just for today, i am a garden variety addict in recovery, equal in my own eyes to those with whom i share the rooms.

∞ DT ∞