๐ on most days, ๐
Posted: Tue, Sep 30, 2025 10:45:34 AM
i feel whole. it was not all that long ago, when i would have said a few days, rather than most. in this last growth spurt that was kicked off a few years ago by a freeing FIFTH STEP, i have come to see that all those decades of hiding in plan sight, kept me nearly as fractured as i was in active addiction. when i was using, i did my best to keep three lives running in parallel: family, work and using. when they collided, as they often did, i was tap dancing to get everyone involved to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. getting clean and coming to recovery, merged two of those lives into one and allowed me to abandon the third. what did not change was i was still using smoke and mirrors to play whatever part in needed to play. needless to say, i was far from whole in any sense of the word. bit by bit, day by day, as the days piled up, i got closer and closer to having the desire to just be me and when i blew myself up with my last FIFTH STEP, that became a reality.
this morning as i sat, i considered what unity in all my affairs really meant. for me, at least in this slice of reality, it means that i can be genuine, and whole, showing my real self to the world around me and discarding my hardened, cynical shell, like a snake, shedding its skin, when it has outgrown it. i feel that i no longer have the need to protect myself from the crazy mixed up world in which i live. i can however, own the fact that part of the real me, is a touch of cynicism and pessimism. i may never wear “rose-colored” glasses again, but i also will no longer trudge along this path with a cloud over my head. i feel that for me“whole” means living a life somewhere between those two extremes.
the time has come, to stop laying with AI, and concentrate on my job search. life in the what is, is not quite what i want it to be, BUT i am not powerless over taking the steps necessary to change that fact of my life. it is a goof day to celebrate being whole, being clean and being in a state of active recovery. today i have the ways and means to be more and most importantly the desire to do the work to make that happen.
this morning as i sat, i considered what unity in all my affairs really meant. for me, at least in this slice of reality, it means that i can be genuine, and whole, showing my real self to the world around me and discarding my hardened, cynical shell, like a snake, shedding its skin, when it has outgrown it. i feel that i no longer have the need to protect myself from the crazy mixed up world in which i live. i can however, own the fact that part of the real me, is a touch of cynicism and pessimism. i may never wear “rose-colored” glasses again, but i also will no longer trudge along this path with a cloud over my head. i feel that for me“whole” means living a life somewhere between those two extremes.
the time has come, to stop laying with AI, and concentrate on my job search. life in the what is, is not quite what i want it to be, BUT i am not powerless over taking the steps necessary to change that fact of my life. it is a goof day to celebrate being whole, being clean and being in a state of active recovery. today i have the ways and means to be more and most importantly the desire to do the work to make that happen.
∞ DT ∞