ยน i will stay in the here and now .
Posted: Sat, Sep 29, 2012 08:49:13 AM
today -- this moment -- i am free.
free from what, one may query. an excellent question and one that leads down more than a few trials, some into the light of recovery, others into the darkness of despair and still others that lead into the next right thing. i am free from active addiction and that will be the breadcrumb trail i will follow this morning.
as i sit here waiting to get started at the job that has been offered to me, i am struck again and again how impatient i am with the uncertain future and how intolerant i am of jumping through hoops and living with the bureaucracy. it is enough to make me scream, but instead i retreat into the fantasy world of a computer game and plot to take over the world. as refreshing as kicking the collective butts of all the civilized worlds may be, it really does not help me to be free from the feelings that i am feeling and all i do is defer those feelings until i am trying to go to sleep. or that would be the case, if i was not a religious follower of a daily inventory, where i get a chance to work those feelings out a bit before my head hits the pillow. so most of the time when i lay me down to sleep, i am free from the feelings that could come back to haunt me. at least for the next two days, i am free from wonder and the incessant calls asking for information that i have provided more than one person more than once.
of course, in all my frustration, when i can finally free myself from self-obsession. i can see that i need to allow myself to feel a bit of gratitude, as that team is doing their best to get me on-board at this ginormous opportunity for me. and it is my checkered work history that is the real issue here not them following the rules. my past is affecting my future and i am stuck in the here and now, trying to balance all of that in my addict brain and not feel like a victim, MUCH.
what is the next right thing to do, in the here and now? hop into the shower, grab a few gars, go get my weekend work for one client complete, hit my home group. work with a sponsee, come home and make dog food and finally when all is said and done be content that at least i am not in active addiction and i am free from my obsession to use, just for today.
free from what, one may query. an excellent question and one that leads down more than a few trials, some into the light of recovery, others into the darkness of despair and still others that lead into the next right thing. i am free from active addiction and that will be the breadcrumb trail i will follow this morning.
as i sit here waiting to get started at the job that has been offered to me, i am struck again and again how impatient i am with the uncertain future and how intolerant i am of jumping through hoops and living with the bureaucracy. it is enough to make me scream, but instead i retreat into the fantasy world of a computer game and plot to take over the world. as refreshing as kicking the collective butts of all the civilized worlds may be, it really does not help me to be free from the feelings that i am feeling and all i do is defer those feelings until i am trying to go to sleep. or that would be the case, if i was not a religious follower of a daily inventory, where i get a chance to work those feelings out a bit before my head hits the pillow. so most of the time when i lay me down to sleep, i am free from the feelings that could come back to haunt me. at least for the next two days, i am free from wonder and the incessant calls asking for information that i have provided more than one person more than once.
of course, in all my frustration, when i can finally free myself from self-obsession. i can see that i need to allow myself to feel a bit of gratitude, as that team is doing their best to get me on-board at this ginormous opportunity for me. and it is my checkered work history that is the real issue here not them following the rules. my past is affecting my future and i am stuck in the here and now, trying to balance all of that in my addict brain and not feel like a victim, MUCH.
what is the next right thing to do, in the here and now? hop into the shower, grab a few gars, go get my weekend work for one client complete, hit my home group. work with a sponsee, come home and make dog food and finally when all is said and done be content that at least i am not in active addiction and i am free from my obsession to use, just for today.
∞ DT ∞