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the actual truth is, perhaps i will! reading this, this morning, i remembered when another addict shared how surprised they were, that the person to whom they were making the amends to, brought up stuff that was over 30 years old. they continued on about how hurt they were and how angry that that person would have the GALL, to bring that sh!t up, when they were making an amends. i wanted to laugh out loud, then and there, but in that case decided that discretion was the better part of valor, in this case and filed the event away, to be accessed the next time an amends did not go the way i planned it to come out. an expectation is an expectation and in my experience, those are what kills me every time. seriously, if i go into owning the crap i do, expecting anything other than being given the opportunity to say my peace and clean-up my side of the street, i am setting myself up for failure. i mean, who the fVck do i think i am, anyways.? where did i get the notion that i was entitled to kindness and forgiveness, for my misdeeds and damage, without paying some sort of price? this sort of echoes the reading yesterday, only i am asking for mercy, when the other party may be desiring justice.
be that as it may, expectations in amends is just one way that when i plan an outcome, i can end up tripping myself up, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. over and over again, my program stumbles here, and these days i get that it is part of being human, with the addiction part jammed on top. i am no different in this respect from the members i share my recovery with, worldwide. i am a victim of my unmet expectations and as a result i GET to be hurt, and whiny, when i forget, what i ACTUALLY have power over. i HAVE no power over what i feel, feeling are just that feelings and unless i do something to numb them, i NEED to feel what i feel. i do have power over how i act as a result of having a feeling and yes, if someone comes back at me during an amends, the odds are, i will be angry. what i do with that anger is where my power begins.
something i do have power over is this little exercise, and this morning i think it is time to call it quits and get moving out into the chilly real world. i can remember that expectations are at the core of my resentments and expecting myself or anyone else to be better that they are, will certainly get me in trouble down the line. it is a good day to be clean, as i am apt to say more times than not, so off to deal with what needs to be dealt with, my messes as well as the messes of some men who rely on me to guide them through their process.

∞ DT ∞