Blog entry for:

to remember not to shoot the messenger. the message i got yesterday, is that for some of us, it is far more important to look good, rather than to be honest or even clean. my world got more than a little rocked yesterday, and it all started out with the news of the death of a man i once upon a time sponsored. he died alone, in the cold, in a park of an overdose of his favorite pastime. not that his end was surprising, it was not, time and again, he told me he was not strong enough to do this recovery gig, and wished he could take a shot big enough to end his misery. in the end, he finally got his wish and it pisses me off, how pernicious addiction can be, that it saps the power out of those of us who are blessed to be addicts.
of course, nothing happens in isolation, so i did a bit of digging about some of the other men, who i had questions about, and lo and behold, i discovered facts not yet in evidence, that were far to my liking. the pattern is the same for those i texted with yesterday, they are so miserable alive, that they have decided that a little sumthin’, sumthin’ IS what they need to survive. they need the outside gratification of someone telling them how wonderful they are, and how they rescued them from the awful situation they are in.
as you can tell, there are still some strong feelings there, but at least i am honest, and i will make this promise right now, IF i ever decide that i need to use, i will be honest with everyone, including those who may look up to me, and let them know from the very first second i used, that the current phase of recovery is over. i will not live on my reputation, nor will i allow anyone else to fill in the gaps, because i am not man enough to state the facts to everyone who loves and cares for me.
that being said, those men, are who they are. they suffer from addiction and right now are allowing themselves to live in self-pity and misery. i am no longer angry at them, but disappointed in how they choose to behave and am taking a lesson from them. they both suffer addiction and allowing themselves to be victims of addiction. they both are weak and neither of them are half the man i would want to be. it is true, they could physically kick my ass, but at least i am not being led by my male appendage into a life of misery. today i do not need the outside appearance of being better than i am. today i am dependent on the men and women, who comprise my life in recovery and a POWER greater than myself to provide me what i need to stay to clean today. yesterday? well that was part of a manifestation of that POWER, and today i am not weak and feeble anymore. today, i can love the addict and despise the addiction. today i can walk away, acknowledging the hurt, accepting that those who make it are a very small minority and that with the flick of my wrist, i can welcome misery back into my life.
anyhow, this little piece of puking is done, the nice part of this, is even though it is out in the public, few people actually read it, so hiding in plain sight is how i feel today. i am grateful for all that happened yesterday and will move forward without any trepidations about the future, just for today.
BY THE WAY: YES I AM CLEAN AND I WILL DO WHATEVER I CAN DO TO FURTHER MY RECOVERY. today i acknowledge that i am strong enough to take the power offered by the POWER that fuels my recovery and not need the approval or the love of anyone else, to love and respect myself.

∞ DT ∞