Blog entry for:

this morning i am feeling a bit odd. it is probably not the reading that is making me feel odd, but rather just adapting to the changes that my life has undergone over the past month. and odd is an interesting feeling, i use it because i cannot name the feelings i am having, so i use a term that means almost anything and nothing at all. as the day unfolds i am sure i will understand what is going on inside, in fact i may just hear what i need to as i travel through my day.
which is a nice segue into thinking about the principle of anonymity and how it applies to life in general. after all, i have worked some steps and have a working knowledge of the traditions, and today‘s reading was about putting principles before personalities. i really do not know who GOD will speak through these days and what i need to hear may come from a source that i do not expect. this applies to whether i am sitting in a meeting, fellowshipping with friends or just walking into a coffee shop to feed my daily caffeine quota. dismissing what is said because i find judge another person to be a poor source of information is a very old behavior. somewhere in my life i taught myself to rely on my senses and accept information as true only when i could verify it directly. so over the course of my active disease i learned to trust less and dismiss more and this behavior nearly killed me! so today, i try and focus on what the message is rather than where it is coming from. i am nowhere near perfect at it, but like any skill, the skill of listening to the message improves with practice. and boy do i need more practice these days, my own stuff has brought me back to the point of shooting the messenger, ignoring what is being said to me. after all, i have been on this path for a day or two and have a bit of knowledge, so why do i need to listen to what anyone else‘s opinion, really! and that attitude comes from the lies the part of me i call my disease tells me to build the wall of denial that separates me from my peers, acquaintances, friends, and those who love me. inside that wall is only death and despair and this addict, always needs more than i can give myself! so once again i must return to focusing on the messages and let the messengers tell me what i need to hear!

∞ DT ∞