Blog entry for:

looking over how i have been sharing recently, i can honestly say that no matter how much resolve i feel to carry the message, i am sharing the mess. in fact, this afternoon, i will need to go back to a meeting in Santa Cruz and admit that i was wrong. i dumped my load and then vacated the meeting, a classic “hit and run” share. it does not matter that i left the meeting to take ta call from my sponsor, i still need to return to that meeting and demonstrate what living an active program of recovery, means to me.
this morning, after a whirlwind tour of puking out my anger, frustration and fears all over the place, i have finally arrived at a place where i can be okay with my life, as it appears to be, right now. my Dad is trying to make his recovery move quicker than it is. he wants to walk more, do more and is trying his best to change is “do nots” into “i wills.” my Mom is still turning her “i won'ts” into “i can'ts,” and that is at the heart of my frustrations. i may be powerless over how she chooses to live her life, i am not powerless over how i react to my feelings of disgust at her lack of effort in getting any better. those feelings and my inability to respond, rather than react to them is what is keeping me way off-kilter and in a spot which is not within my comfort zone. so i whine, complain, and generally become a miserable person when i am in a place that allows me to do so, such as a random meeting on ZOOM.
what i heard this morning, was it is way past time to stop being in a place where my parents and their needs dictate how i feel. to get out of this space will require a surrender to the fact that they are aging and as a result, fading physically and mentally. as i surrender to those sad facts of life, i also need to develop some FAITH that i do have a POWER that fuels my recovery and that POWER provides me the opportunities on a daily basis to get all that i need to thrive, just for today. acceptance will hopefully lead to a bit of understanding and empathy for my parents, as they deal with their new reality. it has to be tough for two stubborn and independent people to fade into the sunset with their children needing to stop by on a daily basis to h“help” them out. life will go on, and for me, it is time to commit this to the bits and bytes of the interwebs and get some miles under my belt. i may not be able to avoid my parent's fate, but i am certainly going to try and make my “golden” years as healthy and active as i can, just for today.

∞ DT ∞