≈ it just may be resentments that are keeping me ≈
Posted: Mon, Feb 23, 2015 07:44:58 AM
from acknowledging the value of the recovery experience of one of my peers.
i have touched upon this topic more than once across the past few months and come to the conclusion that there just may be something here. jealousy and envy are part of my emotional make-up, and those two feelings certainly do fuel anger, and anger turned inward and held on to, becomes a resentment. therefore it certainly bears a serious look, which is a process i can commence today.
quiet honestly, as i sat and tried to listen to the humorous nothings that one of my peers, was sharing last night, i put aside the judge for the first thirty seconds of their share, and after in went to where it always goes these days, it just became beyond my ability to control. so i accepted that i was going to be a sh!t, and closed my eyes and let go, and you know what. that share did not get any better, but i became capable of listening to what it was, that my peer was trying to share. once i stopped thinking, and started feeling, i could empathize with them, they are doing the best with what they have. i have been there, and at times want to be there as well.
there are stretches of my recovery, when i felt the need to share at every meeting i went too, even though i did not have anything of substance to add. the clichés and the same tired old banter that i had practiced to an art, was what dropped out of my lips, and i was certain that i was adding to the collective wisdom of the group. it was my version of humorous nothings and it became my trademark. finally, i started working the steps again, and saw my behavior for what it was, an attempt to increase my self-esteem through the approval of others. not being an affirmation sort of guy and certainly not a “GOD” guy, i NEEDED, at least at that time, to get my esteem through the praise and admiration of others. and so, the legend of Don was born in my own mind, and that has continued to this day. while casting motives for the behavior of another is a less than stellar behavior of mine, it sometimes is the only way, for me to turn a simmering resentment back to a nothing but powerless over event and accept that is what it is, to use a very old bromide. what i am getting to, is that they are clueless about the angst i feel, whenever they open their mouth to drop the same thing they shared two nights ago. my angst is not their issue, it is mine, to put into its proper place. i know that there will be always those among my peers, who for one reason or another, will share the same old stuff, time and again. my part is to listen to what they are sharing, instead flinching, and see what it is that might be able to help me stay clean another day. it is time to set aside my personal prejudice against my seemingly socially fit peers and allow myself to be okay, regardless of how many times i have heard those exact same words, after all, they like me, are doing the best they can to live a program of recovery.
i have touched upon this topic more than once across the past few months and come to the conclusion that there just may be something here. jealousy and envy are part of my emotional make-up, and those two feelings certainly do fuel anger, and anger turned inward and held on to, becomes a resentment. therefore it certainly bears a serious look, which is a process i can commence today.
quiet honestly, as i sat and tried to listen to the humorous nothings that one of my peers, was sharing last night, i put aside the judge for the first thirty seconds of their share, and after in went to where it always goes these days, it just became beyond my ability to control. so i accepted that i was going to be a sh!t, and closed my eyes and let go, and you know what. that share did not get any better, but i became capable of listening to what it was, that my peer was trying to share. once i stopped thinking, and started feeling, i could empathize with them, they are doing the best with what they have. i have been there, and at times want to be there as well.
there are stretches of my recovery, when i felt the need to share at every meeting i went too, even though i did not have anything of substance to add. the clichés and the same tired old banter that i had practiced to an art, was what dropped out of my lips, and i was certain that i was adding to the collective wisdom of the group. it was my version of humorous nothings and it became my trademark. finally, i started working the steps again, and saw my behavior for what it was, an attempt to increase my self-esteem through the approval of others. not being an affirmation sort of guy and certainly not a “GOD” guy, i NEEDED, at least at that time, to get my esteem through the praise and admiration of others. and so, the legend of Don was born in my own mind, and that has continued to this day. while casting motives for the behavior of another is a less than stellar behavior of mine, it sometimes is the only way, for me to turn a simmering resentment back to a nothing but powerless over event and accept that is what it is, to use a very old bromide. what i am getting to, is that they are clueless about the angst i feel, whenever they open their mouth to drop the same thing they shared two nights ago. my angst is not their issue, it is mine, to put into its proper place. i know that there will be always those among my peers, who for one reason or another, will share the same old stuff, time and again. my part is to listen to what they are sharing, instead flinching, and see what it is that might be able to help me stay clean another day. it is time to set aside my personal prejudice against my seemingly socially fit peers and allow myself to be okay, regardless of how many times i have heard those exact same words, after all, they like me, are doing the best they can to live a program of recovery.
∞ DT ∞