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the messenger, after all that person may provide the one piece of information i need to advance my recovery today. it is quite true, that i often pigeon-hole some of my peers into categories that allow me to disregard every single word that comes out of their mouths. there are the perpetual victims, the itinerant preachers, the recovery tourists and “the just for this year” so i can collect my coin peers, so enumerate a few. as “justified” as i think i am in such behavior, i am certainly putting my personality and how i see theirs, in front of whatever message they may be carrying. since i am of the school, that meeting attendance is for me, throwing away the Experience, Strength and Hope of those whom i have already dismissed, is something i do at my own peril. will i walk into a meeting today, brimming with open-mindedness and tolerance, more than likely not, but i can carry the notion that i might be in error in being so dismissive.
what has been weighing heavily on me the past few days, is how to respond to the message i received from a man who i am supposedly sponsoring. the heat of my anger has subsided and i am starting to look at things in a much more rational manner. my decision to start that process with a letter rather than a visit, is certainly a step in a healthier direction for me. the problem is, i have started that letter at least a hundred times in my head and as i review what i want to say, it comes off sounding harsh, cold and definitely like some sort of big asshole. balancing the message that i cannot invest more in is recovery than he himself is willing to invest and that as a member it is an obligation to respond to a cry for help, is a very sticky wicket for me. what i find myself doing is staring out assertively and strong and quickly degenerating into weakness, aggressiveness and vengeance. what i “heard” this morning, is that i may not yet be settled into the forgiveness part, quite yet, as i still want to hurt and shame him into submission. more will certainly be revealed as i go through this day, with that in mind, i think i will traipse off to my home group asndf allow myself to feel the solution, which will not include walking into jail, just for today.

∞ DT ∞