Blog entry for:

is not spiritual enough, not entertaining enough, or just not something enough.
welcome to my world and thank you for volunteering to give me a few minutes of your life, to read what i have to share today. yes, you are a volunteer here, as opposed to a hostage at a meeting, but much more on that further down the line. what i write here, i write because i feel it. i am irreverent, impolitic and lack any tact here, even though each of these is out in plain site of God, the world and everything. there was a time when i did my best to attract attention to this, but those days are long passed and now this is just the therapeutic value, of me saying stuff, that i can not or will not share in an open meeting. after all, in that setting i have to act my so-called recovery age and be more than i appear to be. or at least that is the garbage i tell myself. here i can act-out, sling mud and generally be the bane of someone's existence if i choose to be and i keep doing this, because i LIKE IT!
so the question boils down to, do i believe i what i have to share in a meeting has value? there was a time when i would have said no. as i progressed in my self-esteem, yes it all comes back to that again, i surely said maybe. today? without a doubt, whatever i choose to share at a meeting has value. does it have any more or less value, than anyone else$#39;s, honestly no it does not, but the judge, jury and executioner inside of me, makes that determination based on my spiritual fitness.
now we have finally arrived at hostage taking! when i share at a meeting, i effectively take the meeting hostage for the entire time my jaws are flapping, since the members in attendance are there to get recovery and have been told to sit down, and listen. as a result, in my own head, i have to decide what is appropriate and what is not, on fly, so to speak, as i share my Experience, Strength and Hope. id i prattle on, spouting bumper stickers and throwing out bon-mots, without providing any substance, have i really added something of value to the lives of my hostages, or have i stolen two to three minutes of their lives? the answer, for me, is that i am a thief and and a hostage taker in those instances, and since i know better, i need to look at my behavior through the context of the steps. the same thing happens when i plan out what i am going to share or launch into a polemic, directed at so and son, because they NEED to hear the pearls of wisdom that i am about to cast before the figurative swine.
and so it goes, surprisingly this focused on me, and not everyone else, the way i feared it would veer, when i started down this path. honestly, it is up to me to provide something of value in everything i share. even if the only valuable thing i can offer is HOPE. the HOPE of the program, for me, is that no matter what happens, i have the ability to stay clean, IF i choose to avail myself to the power offered by the POWER that fuels my recovery. although there may be more in me about this topic, the time has come to start getting ready to head on out to work. tomorrow i may have more time, or even later tonight when i attend a meeting. for now, it is up to me to remember that yes what i share is as valuable as what anyone else may share. it is up to me, to get the value out of whatever they choose to share, just as it is up to them to find value in whatever it is i happen to share. so on the egalitarian note, i think i will wrap it up by saying i am grateful i have a safe and warm place to live today.

∞ DT ∞