Blog entry for:

finding community is what meetings and fellowship are all about for me, most of the time. last night, i stumbled into the exception to that rule, when i attended a meeting for a peer who celebrated their clean time of many, many years. the meeting was weirdly skewed to members who were elderly and had lots of clean time, which is the demographic where i now find myself. i am not certain what i expected but what i got was a rah-rah this fellowship is the best thing since sliced bread and here is how they got here. i expected a bit of blowing some smoke up the ass of the clean-time celebrant and actually what was said about them was insightful and spot on. what i did not get until the very end was how life on its own terms was affecting my peers who took the time to share. i almost fled from that hostage situation before i heard the one redeeming share that i needed to hear last night. what i walked away with was a sense that some of my peers have become experts in saying what this fellowship is all about and can go on, and on,and on, and on about it, with little care to what the rest of us may wish to share. i know that i will not be returning to that meeting any time in the near future, as i did not connect with those peers last night and was grateful that a sponsee called me during the meeting and i had to return his call.
i do have to say, that i did make a connection last night, unfortunately “connectus-interruptus” was initiated by one of those over-entitled members with long-term clean time, which did little to boost my respect for that member. what i did take away from the meeting last night, is that i can continue down that road, getting set in my ways and feeling entitled because i have achieved some magic number of days clean, or i can allow myself to live in the humility that i am there for my peers and they are there for me, as equals, regardless of age or clean-time. i am fairly certain that those who provided me this lesson in what i do not want to be, are totally oblivious to the nature of their behavior last night. it seems to be a sad fact of life that those who need humility the most, are those who cannot see beyond the end of their noses and realize that hardly anyone is hanging on every syllable they are uttering.
as i prepare to get out for my weekly run, i am undecided as to whether or not i will take my phone. it is true i have stuff i need to be present for, as some of the men i sponsor are dealing with rough patches and tragedy in their lives. what i feel is that i need to shut my phone off, and run with the rhythm of my feet pounding the pavement in my ears and allow the world to spin as it will, for at least the next hour or so. writing about my disappointment and anger over what happened last night has brought up a bunch of feelings that need to be processed and vigorous, intense exercise is a great way for me to put all of those feelings into their proper perspective. i guess, right here and right now, i need to take care of me, so i can care for the others who have come to rely on my over the course of my recovery journey.
and so my journey into physical activity begins as i allow myself to disconnect, so i can reconnect and be present for those who may want guidance or support…

∞ DT ∞