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so a funny thing happened last night on my way to the meeting. a newer member of the local fellowship, came up to me and thanked me for what i had shared on Sunday night. i thanked them, and went about on my merry way. so when this reading rolled up on my annual journey, i was struck by what they said, and how it applied to the reading.
i have often said i am no recovery guru, spiritual giant or “GOD” kind of guy, and that is certainly true. i can be crude, rude and socially unacceptable and politically incorrect in what i share, am mostly intolerant of the literature parrots and those who fart a daisy every time they open their mouths to share; and i make no apologies for any of that. the reading was not about what anyone else shared, it was about me finding value in what i share, and as i sit here and pound this out, i get that what i share, just might be of value, to others and certainly to me!
what i have today is an experience born of six thousand three hundred and ninety eight days, of doing this gig, in a row. not every day has been sunshine and roses, and to imply that it is, is well, more than a bit disingenuous, to put it kindly. no what i shared about the other evening, that helped one of my newest peers, was the hell that was my experience in those first one hundred and eighty days of abstinence, long before i took more than a grudging interest in the STEPS or any sort of long-term desire to stay clean. it was so close to crosstalk to another member's share, that in a more strictly enforced environment i might have been shut down by the chair. i offered no advice directly, but i DID share about the JONES and the obsession that ruled those miserable days in early recovery, as i guess i was sort of working steps, so i was a bit more than just abstinent. that member has been absent at the last two meetings i have attended, so i am certainly hopeful that they have not decided to pull the trigger and reduce the pain of living with a chemical romance.
so where am i at today? well that my friends, is an interesting question! it seems that prayer for me has morphed into a thank you at night for another day clean. meditation has become preeminent and at times i can now sit for twenty to thirty minutes. what i “hear” can no longer be expressed in words, for the most part, as i lack the vocabulary to do so. what i feel, is a connection to something that i will continue to choose to call the POWER that fuels my recovery, and what i am seeing in my life, is a greater acceptance of the FACT that i am an addict, regardless of what that may or may not mean. i am content with where i am, and passively seeking a different position, but certainly could live with the job i have now. more than that, i am startled by my rise in popularity within my social circle and wondering if it is because of and not in spite of the place i am growing into.
\\all of that speculation, while fun, will not put bread on my table nor espresso in my cup, so i think i will just say Tata For Now and get rolling on down the road.

∞ DT ∞