Blog entry for:

no one else can give: my own experience! two days in a row, entries about what to share and how to feel about the content of my shares. it is true i have heard some amazing shares in the minute i have been clean. i have also heard some fairly outrageous bullsh!t. i do not know if i have been guilty of the former, but the latter is a behavior i know very, very well. at least i do not veer off into the meme-land, and share absolutely nothing but slogans and bumper stickers, to cover what is really going on inside. before i do my deep dive, i have to say that the various ways i share be it, competitive, rebuttal, cover-up or pure unadulterated tales of mystery and imagination; are a reflection on who i happen to think i am, in that moment. when i am secure in who i am ⇛ self-accepting and certain of my worth, i can be honest with what i share. when i am wallowing in entitlement, unmet expectations, low self-esteem and the plethora of other conditions that plague for time to time, than sharing become my tool to boost my esteem.
i cannot say why others share what they do, as i am not in their skin. there are certainly times, when i feel my time is being wasted by one of my peers, and i become irritable and discontented. try as i might, i can neither claim any spiritual high ground or extraordinary wisdom, and when i get to thinking that i am in either of those places, it is up to me, to see what is happening in my life. when i got clean, i was an very angry man. most of my anger was driven by jealousy and envy, everyone had more than me, and i wanted everything they had. in recovery that comes back to haunt me, especially when i think my peers are buying the shite someone else is selling. what i want, in times like that, is for them to to listen to my offerings in rapt attention, because somehow i have more to offer and my sharing diet has come to an end, with a deeper understanding about who and what i am. as i grow more genuine and self-assured, i can share my experience, strength, and hope and be who i am, a cynical old-timer who has seen a whole lot of addicts pass in and out of the doors of the local rooms. i can share about what is was like without glorification or minimizing my effect on the world around me. i can be secure knowing that i have something to offer, without wrapping it up is mystery or psychobabble. i no longer need to make excuses for the content of my shares, and if i happen to drop in a bumper sticker, maybe, just maybe, that is all someone gets out of my share, as i tend to do some very deep dives, far beyond just not using, just for today. the judgement machine may still be rolling and the competitor withing may still be planning a “can you top this,” share, but today i need not crater to that mode of sharing. today, i have a true story to tell that is not rooted in fear, uncertainty and doubt. today the relapse boogie-man is not hovering over me and the other shoe is not about to drop and i have a program of recovery that i am learning to live, to thank for my ease of living. rest assured though, if i ever want to play the competitive sharing game again, i will come out on top, after all, i have been around long enough to learn how to turn a phrase or two and know my audience. just for today, i think i will just be myself and if i share this evening, i will share from my heart and not my head.

∞ DT ∞