Blog entry for:

to share was not **something** enough, it was only a 5.5 out of 10.0. because it lacked style and panache. as pathetic that may sound, i have certainly been there and can go back at any time. it seems that sharing and what and how i share, has been on my mind lately, so this may finish it off. first a post-script on my blog yesterday. i slammed my peers, who always share on the bright side of life and assumed that they do so, “for the newcomer.” that may be true, but i generally hate being lumped into a group and generalized about, so in that vein i need to let go, apologize for casting motives on the behavior of others and disparaging them, foe what i perceive to be their reasons for acting the way they do.
secondly i missed a couple of clean date shout-outs yesterday, and although i do have the power to go back and rewrite the history as it were, i do believe i will take care of that right now:

Christian F.
1 year + 1 day
It is good to see you smile.
Keep coming back.

Carl K,
39 years + 1 day!
Thank you for doing recovery
Just for today, for all of those days.

sharing as a competitive sport was what came up for me, and there certainly have been times when i felt that what i had to share, my Experience, Strength, and Hope; was not good enough to share with the group. at other times, it was my delivery that was suspect as i believed i would be choked up with emotion and stammer my way through a meaningless jumble of random notions. at other times it was not content or delivery, it was hiding what was going on in plain sight. the fact is, when i am all up in my head, i am not going to share for one reason or another. in those times, if i do decide to share it will be all fluff, slogans and bumper stickers, as i can comprise five minutes of nothingness out of just that sort of content. so for me sharing has to come from outside and i rely on the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide the inspiration and “pearls of wisdom” that i cast before my peers. when i allow that process to happen, i am amazed about what comes out of my mouth, even if i am emotionally verklempft and stammering out my ideas.
as i grow more comfortable in my identity in the fellowship, outside of the tin suit of service junkie i have worn for years, i realize that as a person and as a recovering addict i do have some experience, strength, and hope to offer. i do not need to fall back on the trite and true, and even though the idea i may be expressing is not original, sometimes i manage to put a new twist upon it. when i allow myself to share about who and what i am, and what my vision of recovery happens to be, i feel fulfilled, even when no one else in the room seems to get what i am talking about, which seems to happen a lot with me and my shares as well. the only way i can carry the message is to do so with humility and sincerity and without the notions of if what i am sharing is “right” or “wrong.”
i do have a long day ahead of me, this fine late winter Sunday, so i will say so long and perhaps tonight i will have something witty, pithy, and wise to share, or maybe i will just sit there quietly and see what i can learn. hard to tell, but it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞