ห every addict, including me, who is working an honest program ห
Posted: Wed, Mar 19, 2014 08:00:56 AM
has something of immense value to share.
alrighty then, this reading has caught me in one of my quiet periods, at least when it comes to meetings outside of my home group. life in recovery, is not too terribly bad today, and something i heard last night, is still ringing in my ears. one of my peers, said that they had no reason to ever share about their struggles in recovery, because recovery had given them such a good life. an interesting notion, and one that seems to fit into the theme of the reading this morning. once again, what i am seeing, at least in myself, is a disconnect from reality. yes, i have an excellent life. yes, that is ONLY because i live the program that i have been given. that does not disqualify me from pain and suffering, and certainly does not not disqualify me from sharing, whatever it is i need to share. in fact, one of my character defects, looking good, despite the cost to me, is tied up in this topic.
once upon a time, i shared only the good stuff, because our local fellowship was young and very tiny. my theory at that time, as one of the members who had some clean time, was that if i shared what was really going on, i would chase away any of the newer members, who were just noodling around with the notion that they may need to be here and may actually want something the program had to offer. yes i was trying to make the fellowship attractive, by selective sharing.
as the fellowship grew in my home town, in both clean time and overall size, that changed. now i wanted to look good in the eyes of my peers, so sharing something shocking or inappropriate, was par for the course. once again, i was sharing for you guys, and not for myself, after all, i had my sponsor for the real stuff, and the fluff, clich's and bumper stickers were what you all needed to hear. in all of those cases what was really going on, inside of me, was that i did not believe my experience strength and hope was good enough to share as is. some artificial enhancement, was needed, like some sort of spiritual breast enhancement surgery, what i had needed to be augmented.
today, that is no longer the case. i share or do not share as the POWER that fuels my recovery, directs me to. when i sit in those silent moments with my eyes closed, it is not because i am taking a nap, no i am quieting my mind and seeing if the desire to share has been put upon my heart. toady, i know regardless of how i am feeling, that what is put there, is exactly what i need to share regardless what anyone else thinks. the more secure i am in the knowledge of who and what i am, the less i care about looking good your eyes, and the more i share exactly what i NEED to share. i do not worry if i am in a safe spot, who happens to be in the room, or if anyone is actually listening to me, as all of that is an outside issue to me. i share because i am good enough to share. the content i share and the language i use to share it in, is exactly what i need to say, at that very moment in time. every time i compete, trying to be the deepest, the funniest or the “anything-iest,” i lose. honestly, i am tired of losing, so instead i choose to be something more, myself. i choose to let you all see me as i am, warts and all. and i choose to walk away from what i think, you think about me, as i know i am the best man i can be today, even if i happen to be acting in a less than stellar manner, as is my wont from time to time. i am no rock star, spiritual guru, or local celebrity, i am just another addict in recovery, who has something to say, from time to time.
alrighty then, this reading has caught me in one of my quiet periods, at least when it comes to meetings outside of my home group. life in recovery, is not too terribly bad today, and something i heard last night, is still ringing in my ears. one of my peers, said that they had no reason to ever share about their struggles in recovery, because recovery had given them such a good life. an interesting notion, and one that seems to fit into the theme of the reading this morning. once again, what i am seeing, at least in myself, is a disconnect from reality. yes, i have an excellent life. yes, that is ONLY because i live the program that i have been given. that does not disqualify me from pain and suffering, and certainly does not not disqualify me from sharing, whatever it is i need to share. in fact, one of my character defects, looking good, despite the cost to me, is tied up in this topic.
once upon a time, i shared only the good stuff, because our local fellowship was young and very tiny. my theory at that time, as one of the members who had some clean time, was that if i shared what was really going on, i would chase away any of the newer members, who were just noodling around with the notion that they may need to be here and may actually want something the program had to offer. yes i was trying to make the fellowship attractive, by selective sharing.
as the fellowship grew in my home town, in both clean time and overall size, that changed. now i wanted to look good in the eyes of my peers, so sharing something shocking or inappropriate, was par for the course. once again, i was sharing for you guys, and not for myself, after all, i had my sponsor for the real stuff, and the fluff, clich's and bumper stickers were what you all needed to hear. in all of those cases what was really going on, inside of me, was that i did not believe my experience strength and hope was good enough to share as is. some artificial enhancement, was needed, like some sort of spiritual breast enhancement surgery, what i had needed to be augmented.
today, that is no longer the case. i share or do not share as the POWER that fuels my recovery, directs me to. when i sit in those silent moments with my eyes closed, it is not because i am taking a nap, no i am quieting my mind and seeing if the desire to share has been put upon my heart. toady, i know regardless of how i am feeling, that what is put there, is exactly what i need to share regardless what anyone else thinks. the more secure i am in the knowledge of who and what i am, the less i care about looking good your eyes, and the more i share exactly what i NEED to share. i do not worry if i am in a safe spot, who happens to be in the room, or if anyone is actually listening to me, as all of that is an outside issue to me. i share because i am good enough to share. the content i share and the language i use to share it in, is exactly what i need to say, at that very moment in time. every time i compete, trying to be the deepest, the funniest or the “anything-iest,” i lose. honestly, i am tired of losing, so instead i choose to be something more, myself. i choose to let you all see me as i am, warts and all. and i choose to walk away from what i think, you think about me, as i know i am the best man i can be today, even if i happen to be acting in a less than stellar manner, as is my wont from time to time. i am no rock star, spiritual guru, or local celebrity, i am just another addict in recovery, who has something to say, from time to time.
∞ DT ∞