Blog entry for:

to share. it is true, that writing this little piece each and every day, is sharing. here i can share without rules. i can cross-talk, write about outside issues, and generally be as cynical, abusive and abrasive as i want to be. this exercise is my pressure relief valve and is written outside the auspices of any 12 step fellowship. it seems that i have those that read this on a vert consistent basis, for that oi am grateful. the side effect of writing every day, is that i rarely share in meetings anymore. i very rarely feel an overwhelming desire or urge to add my $0.02 worth to the milieu, because i have already spilled my guts as it were, right here and right now. sharing because i “want” to and not because i “need” to, sets up an interesting situation, as now i know when i share it certainly has some sort of value to me.
even though i have been clean for a few days in a row, there is still part of me that wants to be the center of attention, and if i cannot achieve that, then i am going to take all my marbles and go home, in some sort of petulant frenzy. here this is my home, my marbles, my rules and over time, i have come to see that writing this makes me the center of attention, which frees me to share my openly and honestly when it comes to that place in a meeting where i f“feel” that sharing is the next right thing to do. if what i share here, or in a meeting has any value to anyone else, great. i can say that what i share here and there has a great value to me, and has become part of the basket into which most of my eggs have been placed.
a sloppy and choppy segue, but i have at least on more thing on my mind this morning.
sometimes i wonder where does my responsibility of sponsorship end. when a sponsee relapse, or when they use, or when they get hammered with life on life's terms and think it is hunky dory to reach out after months of crickets. it is true, i sponsor a few men. it is also true that none of the men i sponsor call me on any sort of regular basis, nor do i expect that of any of them. most of the men i sponsor, have over a decade clean and those who are climbing day by day towards that milestone, seem to want to be clean and value what i offer. once upon a time, i was one of those who hammered the steps, the steps, the steps, each and every time a sponsee blinked. i expected them to work a program diligently and when they started to backslide, i quick backhand to the side of their spiritual head was certainly in order and quickly delivered, sometimes with extreme prejudice. i believed that their recovery journey was a reflection of mine, and one knows how much stock i have always put in how i look to the world around me. as i have grown, i certainly still want to look good, but i no longer believe that my recovery is dependent of the recovery of others. if my sponsees act-out, stumble or ignore their due diligence with their recovery program, it is absolutely no reflection on who i am or the quality of my recovery program. the short of it is, since i no longer hitch any of my esteem on what others do or say, i will not use, because a sponsee chooses not to live a program of recovery. if after a trail of self-will has less than stellar results, i am still available, since i do not get butt-hurt over whether or not they were listening and applying the lessons of my experience. the truth is, that although i got clean to comply with the justice system, i stay clean because i desire to, today. i remain abstinent for no one, save myself, and for me, staying abstinent is just a good start.
for me, once i CHOOSE to stay clean, then i need to make yet another decision. do i do it myself, or do i invite the POWER that fuels my recovery, to give the power i need to stay clean today? if i choose to accept that power, then i need to do something with it, which for me, means live a program of recovery, to the best of my ability, in all that i do and am today. at least just for today

∞ DT ∞