Blog entry for:

of my experience, is the most valuable thing i have to give to my peers in recovery. as i sat in the meeting last night, the message i kept hearing was diluted into bumper sticker shares of a mixed message. at first i was was ticked off and even as i sat last night to attend to my TENTH STEP, i still heard what was not, ringing in my eras. this morning as i sat, i realized they shared what they have and when one needs to say they years in recovery BUT only dozens of days clean, it indicates that what they shared was what they had. i have never stopped being a fellowship “purist” and as such, of course i just “had to” share that the FIRST STEP is not about powerlessness over substances or behaviors. today, i am quite sure i am powerless over addiction and everything else just falls underneath that, and i hate being the one that has to “steer” a meeting back towards what this fellowship offers to its members. the worst part, for me anyhow, is i have been where they have been and remember that when i was bouncing between fellowships, i was unable to hear what the members of either one were trying to suggest as the best course of action for me. this morning, after a couple rounds of “listening,” i am better prepared to let go of what i thought i heard and what i thought i “had to ” share.
the other thing that was on my mind, was the text i received from a woman newcomer. i could go into all sorts of blame about how she got my number and my less than stellar reaction to her text, but what it came down to was that i wondered why in the world i would ever reach out to her? in fact, that thought went a whole lot deeper as i thought about it. what is it that a newcomer can give me, any newcomer, that create the desire for me to call or text them, “at any time?” as i sat this morning, i saw the arrogance in that train of thought. i “got” that i was in a place of superiority based on my clean time, and had already dismissed what they might have to offer me. i am still unsure what she may be able to give me and i am certainly not going to engage with her outside of meetings, but i am now more aware of my bias and prejudice in this matter. i can let go of my reaction and realize that the act was a kindness.
what do i have to give today? well for one thing, someone like me, who did not have a “problem” and was forced to get clean, can find a way of living that is greater than the mass consumption of substances to feed my addiction. that it does not matter how much or what i used, i have a home in the fellowship that provides me the framework fr my recovery and my job is to open that door for my peers when the finally try to come in from out of the cold, just for today.

∞ DT ∞