Blog entry for:

my conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery? i do, and across the course of my day, it may actually add up to twenty minutes. nothing to talk about here, so i can move on.
the weird part of all of this is sometimes i say that POWER is speaking to me, either through the voices of the people in my life, or a calm and quiet certainty that what i am doing is the next right thing, or that everything is alright. ironically i am reading a book about two brothers who heinously murdered their sister in law and her toddler daughter because “GOD told them to do so.”
reading that and looking at my belief system, makes me wonder if i too, am under some delusional thrall, using that voice to justify doing something that is against my values. the problem with that filter, is that they truly believed that they were doing something that was directly in line with their values, and to this day have no regrets about the torturing and brutally ending two human lives. has the fellowship brainwashed me, into a set of values that would allow me to delude myself? after all. i do things on a daily basis that look nothing like the things i used to do, in active addiction. i do cut people out of my personal life that are using and find myself putting greater and greater distance between myself and those who are on the carousel of in and out the door of recovery. i have a sponsee, i really want to walk away from, BUT the only thing that is keeping me in his life, is a promise i made to never fire him again, no matter what. that promise grates on me, ion a daily basis, and yet i have not HEARD to do anything different. what i keep hearing is forgive him, allow him his space and be the best support i can be, regardless of how much it costs me today. truthfully that sucks! i want to cut my ties, so i no longer feel the hurt when he is incarcerated, or out using. what he does not get is, that either of those situations feel exactly the same to me, and in those two situations is where he finds himself the most often.
sitting here whining about him, does me absolutely no good. i amide a promise and until i am released from that promise, i will learn to be patient and tolerant, after all the voice of the POWER that fuels my recovery does not tell me anything different. it is a good day to be clean and just for today i will be that person who has FAITH that he too, can get this recovery gig and give him the support he needs to do so. me? well after writing this down, it is time to get rolling over to my full-time gig,
life is good today and i am quite confident that i can and will be a better person that i was yesterday, if i allow the POWER i say i maintain a conscious contact with, to take over for me and take care of the sh!t i cannot take care of myself.

∞ DT ∞