Blog entry for:

of hopelessness, shame, and sadness deep inside me was something i denied for years, nay decades on end. i used to feel better and for the most part it worked, in fact, even after a minute clean, i still miss the getting high part of using. if only …
… the fact that i accept that one is too many for me, prevents me from exercising that choice. it might be nice to get high and i might even get away with it once, with little or no consequences, but i am sure that after that “ just one,” the desire to use would be fully on me again and i really do not have the desire to have that desire front and center in my life. the FREEDOM i have today, just for today, is far more valuable than twenty minutes of vacation from reality.
i have often stated that i did not “get” why those who were in the rooms when i got clean were so good to me, when i was an angry piece of shit, marking my time and fronting my clean time and recovery, today, i understand the whys and wherefores, as i have seen many come to the rooms in the similar state as i was back in the day. i know the feeling of wanting to be a part of and apart from what they find here. i share my experience, strength and hope so maybe, just maybe they will identify just enough to stick around until they find place, just as i did. i have never had the pleasure of helping one those folks, by being their sponsor, but more than a few of them have become close friends and trusted confidants of mine. most of the time they are the newcomers who do not attract the crowd of members after the meetings, as they are first out the door and out of the parking lot.
this morning, as i pay the price for my hike the other day, i still am grateful i got out of the house and up into the hills and even more grateful i knew when to say when. my days of being a closed mouth tough guy, keeping any sign of weakness on the way down low, are over. i want o pretend and deny that i am hurting, i am worried or concerned and pretend that i am just FINE. for the most part, i am living in a place of optimistic waiting. there are moments when i start to spin down the rabbit-hole of “what ifs,” in those moments, i take a breath, ask myself what power do i have to affect the outcome and when i see i truly have none, surrender my worry and concern into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, and i get the FREEDOM the program promises me, once again. with that in mind, i think i will call this little ditty complete and move along to the next thing on my agenda: enjoying a cigar and see where this day takes me. who knows i might find myself at a meeting for the second day in a row. 😉

∞ DT ∞