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my connection with the POWER that fuels my recovery. for the longest time, these sort of readings **bothered** the crap out of me., no matter how **hard** i tried, there was absolutely no way i was ever going to develop a pattern of twenty to thirty minutes on a daily basis. the fact was i was quite certain that i lacked the ability to shut down the internal conversation for more than five to seven minute at a time. i took the twenty minute mark as a dictum, rather than a suggestion and continually failed to measure up. that lack of ability affected my esteem, and certainly became, at ;east in my world, a consistent sign of failure. that fact weighed heavily on my mind, and more than once i had decided to call it quits and try something else. it is certainly true, not all skilled people were born to their skills and had to develop it over time, but this was something i thought i could do, and when i could not, i looked at it as an inherent weakness within me. that was how it was, and i was coming to accept that i was too “flawed” to ever “get it.” my last 11TH step changed that and today i finally know why.
as i worked through that last set of steps, i came to see that what was once my spiritual path, no longer worked for me. i also had a man i sponsored for a few minutes, who could and did “sit” for hours, each and every day. as i worked with him, my spiritual path became clearer and certainly more focused. instead of have this nebulous HIGHER POWER, i saw the a POWER that fueled my recovery could certainly be part of the path i had embarked upon and that my persistence to at least trying, was enough for right now. when i started formally working my 11TH step, all of sudden it seemed that i could let go of “how long” i sat for, and focus on “how well” i could quiet my mind. my unit of measurement for success had been changed. when i let go and accepted that it was what it was, all of a sudden my ability to sit quietly, began to approach the time suggested in the reading. more importantly what i felt and what i heard also changed, when i finally let go of the concrete and discrete measurement and focused on the end result. it was, as my sponse is so fond of saying all about the journey, and less about the destination. as ironic as it may seem, letting go, actually helped me achieve my goal.
these days, it still is not all about “how long,” even though i still pat attention to that by noting the time when i start and looking at the time when i rise. i am quite aware of where i have moved to, in terms of length, but pay more attention to what i felt and feel when i get up and start moving forward into my day. on those mornings or evening when i cannot shut down, i no longer chastise myself as being less than skillful, as it certainly does happen, and i am sure even to that peer i sponsored for a few minutes as well. today i am grateful that my measure of success and my esteem is no longer tied to “how long” or “how well,” i sit, but rather that i do the deed, consistently and leave the results in the quite capable care of the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞