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connection, and identification are things i lacked when i arrived in the rooms. i had sympathy and pity for those who were here when i arrived. i did not feel any sort of connection with those losers and as a result did not identify with those i judged to be weak and feeble. yes i had a ginormous chip on my shoulder and it took a bit of time for me to have it knocked off. here is sit a couple of decades later, attempting to remember what it felt like to be the FNG, and not really succeeding to see the finer details of who and what i was, back in the day. as i sat with one of the men that call me their sponsor yesterday, once again, i admitted that after all the time i have been clean, i hardly know what the newest of the new in the rooms need to hear to attract them to recovery. i am pretty sure that the last thing they want to hear is that i am powerless over addiction in all its forms, including the use of drugs. i NEVER wanted to hear that myself, and railed against that with all my might, only to find out how futile that battle actually was for one such as myself.
attempting to recreate those days is an interesting exercise, but one that really has no bearing on what my life looks like today. what i do “know” is that there is a shit ton of stuff i am clueless about in this life, including most of who i am. the glimpses i get on a daily basis of who i am becoming certainly do include being connected and identifying with my peers. what was once sympathy and pity has morphed into empathy as i know how my peers feel and because of a life in recovery, i can experience the full range of human emotions. i also know that regardless of what i do not know, i owe my life to the fellowship that has provided me this manner in which to live. i am certainly among the converted and need not fret and fume about what it means to be an addict, what my recovery “should” look like, or whether or not i am carrying a clear message. i have found a groove and i call it a living a program of active recovery. when i do what i say i am going to do and live the life i share about, perhaps that is more attractive to a newcomer than reciting the literature chapter and verse, by rote. of that i am not sure, but it certainly feels like the best path forward for me.
as i get ready to get out and about this morning, i also am certain that i have made the correct choice, which is to stay clean and live a program that facilitates that decision. no matter what happens today, i can be present to see the opportunities to gather what i need and maybe, just maybe, get some of what i want. i can be empathetic, connected and identify with my peers, if i allow myself the FREEDOM to be more than just another addict in recovery. just for today.

∞ DT ∞