Blog entry for:

was certainly my default behavior as i struggled for years to actually learn how to **sit** in quiet time. i shared **as if** i actually knew what it meant to find **quiet time** when i all i could eke out was five minutes of **reduced noise** time. i could and have spun many a yarn about why i did such a thing. this morning, i will simply say, that it all came down to getting validation from my peers, to boost my self-esteem, as actively working an 11TH step, seemed to elude many of them, as well. i got to be “better” than them, because i made the attempt, on a daily basis.
these days, i am a “better” man, as i actually do what i said i did. do i achieve total, absolute and perfect “stillness” for the twenty minutes i sit? not by a long shot! does that mean i have “failed?” no, not really, it just means that i need to continue to practice. although i do not achieve yogi-like stillness, i do achieve stillness when i look at the rest of my day. my pulse rate drops in the mid-50's and when i get up[ and start my day, i feel “different.” i have come to see that for this addict, whether or not i make it to that state of unconsciousness or not, i still get a benefit from doing what i do. the payoff is a bit more acceptance, a bit less inner chaos and a feeling that no matter what, i can accept what comes my way, today.
if one were to ask, what would i suggest they do? in my opinion, making the attempt, day after day, even when it may not “feel” like it is “right,” is worth it. my experience in not giving up, when i felt like i failed has led me to a place where i find the ways and means to “sit” even when i do not have a whole lot of time to do so.i have altered my life to fit my recovery routine and am grateful for doing so.
once upon a time, that routine included meetings, but the pandemic made short work of that part of living my program. yesterday i made it to a “live” meeting and was not exactly overwhelmed by it. part of it, is due to my Mom's precarious health situation, i do not want to be a super-spreader and limited any physical contact with those outside my “bubble.” i miss hugs and close intimate and physical touch, especially with my friends and peers. i felt “anxious” and certainly more than a little bit ill at ease, as i suppressed my desire to connect physically. the message i heard and felt, was no different than the “Hollywood Squares” version of meetings, that are my norm today, BUT being in the same physical space was certainly worth the angst i felt. this morning, i am certain that it may be another month before i attempt an in-person meeting, as now i am under semi-quarantine before yet another medical procedure. it is a good day to be clean and perhaps, even get some of the stuff done, that i need to do, before i take a nap, play a game or read my book. first off, time to get some miles in.

∞ DT ∞