Blog entry for:

quiet time for myself has become part of my daily recovery routine, and i am grateful for the balance it brings to my life. the reading speaks to the advantages of meditation on a daily basis, so no need for me to go down that path. some days, i have a whole lot to write about, and today is no different. the difference is that conscious contact during quiet time, is not what is on the top of my head.
i am hungry and grumpy this morning, as i have a medical procedure in a couple of hours that requires me to fast and take nothing by mouth. so no breakfast and no coffee. this making amends to myself, by taking care of my physical health is wearing me out. well not really, but i some times need to find something to whine about. i am concerned about the procedure for a couple of reasons. first and foremost, i am afraid that the doctor will find something wrong as he takes a journey through the upper part of my digestive tract. my lack of diligence in this matter may come home to roost, as the precancerous condition i know i have, may have decided it was time to be something else, and i fear being sick, even if i have no symptoms today. mediation helped to calm me and when i got up from that exercise, i was much more calm than i was after the restless night i spent, waking up every ninety minutes from very disturbing dreams. i came to realize, that i am powerless over what is happening in my esophagus and perhaps it was better to know, than pretend i did not care. there is a bit of acceptance over that and i can move along to getting ready to roll on over for the procedure.
my second concern is the conscious sedation part. it has been quite some time, since i got high and no matter how one slices it, i will be getting high on the procedure table this morning. here is where FEAR of relapse, becomes a rational part of my life. my concern is not in the doctor putting me down, but in my reaction in the brief period before i pass out and when i return to waking, when i consciously get to feel the changes. my sponse always tells me to pray that i do not enjoy the experience and i can do that. the part of me i call addiction always relishes the opportunity for a “freebie.” it is in this place of FEAR, anticipation, anxiety and exhilaration i find myself this morning and i am not quite sure how do deal with it. once again, the next right thing to do, is to move forward and take care of business and trust that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide for my needs. no need for me to spin this as “positive” to feel better about myself, as that is not who i am today. i can be okay, being in a state of unease and allow the world to unfold as it will. with that in mind, i think i will get in the shower and get ready to meet this day head-on.

∞ DT ∞