Blog entry for:

pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, after all everything is illusion anyhow, there is no true altruism and of course everyone lies!
not a very hard place for me to arrive at, after all, i am cynical, rational and cleverly ironic, from time to time. the juxtaposition of those two statements, strengthening my conscious contact and seeing nothing but flaws in the world around me and my peers, is a battle that goes on, all the time, within me. sometimes it is evident to those around me, other times, well not so much, the critic within, is always on, and the critique of what is happening to me, and around me, is non stop as well. the beauty of my quiet time, is that for the few minutes i get tr ␄sit” the critic is silent and i feel what i need to feel. it would be great to say that all i EVER feel is better when i arise, a bit of a rainbow or unicorn there. the actual truth is that most of the time i feel better connected, refreshed, serene and more certain of my place in the world. sometimes i feel unsettled but certain of what direction and actions i need to take today. and sometimes, i feel the burn of the disrespectful and disingenuous treatment i have received at the hands of those in my life. those results are far from random, as when i NEED to feel the burn, i can also use that burn to forgive the a$$holes who are at the root cause of that feeling. not being of a Western Deist tradition, i have very little direction on what to do with these situations and as i grow in my recovery, i am seeing that for me, forgiving and walking away is the best course of action. no i will not turn the other cheek, i will cease fighting and walk into a new arena, certain that in my heart i bear those who have trespassed against me, no ill will. sometimes that new arena is not all that far from the old one. most of the time, that arena, is within me, and to use a metaphor from the program, within my heart. the nice part for me, is that no one need know that i am struggling trying to forgive them and that is a good thing, because most of the time they are so obsessed with self, that they seem oblivious to the world around them. that is the other gift that “quiet time” provide me, a release from my obsession with self and the opportunity to view where i have been that self-obsessed a$$hole who need to admit that he is wrong. this may not occur on a daily basis, but often enough that it is certainly worth being considered a boon, rather that an onus. because of the contemplative nature of both my 11TH and 10Th step practices, it is often difficult for me to tell them apart, and perhaps that is not a bad thing at all. at times, i feel the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery as i am closing down and getting ready to sleep. at other times i recognize where i was wrong yesterday, when i am “sitting” in the morning. the merging of these two practices, does however get me to that 20 to 30 minute suggestion that the reading promotes. quite honestly “sitting” for 20 minutes is difficult for me, “sitting” for 15 minutes twice a day, not so much. in fact, the fact that i could not “sit” for the recommended time, fed the story of how inadequate i was, i am and ever will be. it fuels the fire that my recovery is a sham, a dream and when reality sets in, i will be right back to where i was just those very few short days ago. neither of those stories are healthy or even have any basis in reality anymore, but everyone lies, even me, even to myself. the HOPE? today, just for today, i do not want or NEED to lie about this, after all, i am okay with how i am today, cynicism and all.

∞ DT ∞