Blog entry for:

honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness begin to appear.
quite the interesting topic for me today, as i am not a big GOD kind of guy, nor am i a spiritual giant. with that caveat in place, i guess i can move forward.
what i heard this morning, as i sat and tried to stop the litany of what i need to do today, which is a boatload of stuff, was that the only reason i can see the changes manifest in others, is because they are being manifest in myself. i know, corny as that may have once sounded to me, i am becoming open-minded, willing and honest and i LIKE IT!
yesterday i wrote a bit about my regrets of not spending time with my extended family way up north on the Hi-Line, that was only a piece of that regret. i actually did my best to avoid my immediate family as much as possible, except on a very few holidays, birthdays or when i NEEDED cash or something else. i painfully learned that using the way i did, was not something i wanted my family to find out about, and did my best to hide the extent that active addiction was part of my life. it worked for the most part, but in hiding, i withdrew and even though those 12 miles that separated me from them, looks like a small distance on a map, for the the distance was not great enough, unless i enforced it with a withdrawal, emotionally from them as well. that may not be the case anymore, as those 12 miles have shrank to just one or two, and i am far more available than ever before, BUT that is only because i decided way back when, to stay clean, no matter what, just for today.
amazingly, no one ever kicked me out, even when i was less than honest, open-minded, or willing. they saw the same thing in me, as i see in others today, the spark of a desire to become more than i ever was. trust me, when i say that i was totally clueless about having that spark inside of me, all i wanted to do, was get out of jail and stay out of jail, and i wanted the easiest, softest way to do that. ironically, the longer i kept coming back and making the noises like i was actually doing this gig, i slowly was turned into a person, who actually wanted recovery and finally admitted that i was defeated by addiction, that i was hopeless unless i found a POWER greater than myself to keep me clean, and surrendered my will and my life into ITS care. that foundation is part of my life today, and brings me a sense of identity and comfort that i lacked back in the day. sure i make a mess of things and i still have problems socially connecting, but that is light-years away from how i was doing things back in the day. when i see that first spark of HOPE, light up in the eyes of a newcomer, i know that i am on the right path. when i see a newcomer keep coming back after the pink cloud has burst and they are dumped on the cold, hard ground of reality. i feel a sense of certainty that i too have chosen the correct path for my life. and when i see one of my peers, courageously crawl back into the rooms, after testing the waters, i am struck by a sense of gratitude in that could be me, if i get lucky enough to make that decision. no today, even though i am not a GOD guy, i feel the presence of a HIGHER POWER in my life and whether or not it looks or feels like those of a religious bent see IT, or something far less concrete like those of my particular bent feel IT, i know that i have the power to stay clean today, and that power comes from outside of me. i also know, that if i want to get everything this day has to offer, i need to get rolling on down the road, after all, the only reason i could go see the family is because i am self-supporting and supported through the network of my peers, fueled by the the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞