Blog entry for:

addict*s recovery has allowed me to see the GOD within myself. a theme i have been harping on a lot lately, is how i do not see myself worth doing all that i can to be the best. i look around the rooms and i see a whole lot of my peers doing better than i think i am, with apparently a whole lot less effort and condemn myself to life of being miserable. the lie that persists, for this addict, seems as if it will never be exploded for what it is: a limitation i place on myself. clean time does count and before i go down a dark and perhaps twisted path, i need to acknowledge the clean time of one of my peers:

Kerri T,
Congrats on TWELVE (12) years clean.
I am glad you made it back and kept coming back.

waking up to the fact that i have carried a clear and consistent message to my peers, allows me the FREEDOM to look at the message i carry to myself. self-deprecation and braggadocio are symptoms of the same character defect for me, lack of self-esteem. both allow me to be what i think i am not, even though those who surround me tell me on a consistent basis, that i can be a “positive” force in their lives. the reading this morning, brings me back to a place where seeing myself as i am, assets and all, is a task i can undertake. after all, if i can see GOD in them then they may see GOD in me.
at work, i have the undesirable task of letting the development team know that their “latest and greatest” will no longer work and that their work may need to be rolled back. as i wait for the results of my testing to complete, i wonder how my little “bomb” will go over. i know that i have to be “nice” about it. what i have uncovered this morning, is certain to ruffle a few feathers and i am about to walk away and take my trip around the neighborhood. some of the time i get no pleasure being the one who brings bad news to my co-workers. today, as much as i hate to admit it, there is a certain amount of glee, in doing so, as their manager has been a real piece of work and his attitude towards me, has felt less than respectful. more will certainly be revealed as the process cranks through and i am hopeful that i have given it the push that it needs to run this time.
it is a good day to be clean and a better day to let go of work and let the results speak for themselves. my “true” will for today, will keep me from being disrespectful and enjoying rubbing their noses in the issues that could have detected and corrected, before the release last night.

∞ DT ∞