Blog entry for:

in the still suffering addict, begins when i allow the GOD within me to carry the message of recovery. this morning i am struggling between what i know is the next right thing to do and what i desire to do. honestly i WANT to work from home today, after my full day of traffic filled fun, yesterday. i know, however, that i SHOULD make the commute to the office and be a part of the team. laziness versus correctness, in my spiritual world of choices, it seems so insignificant and trivial that i even wonder why i am fretting so much about it. just as i did about HOW to take my seed from the reading this morning and wordsmith into something that fits me better than what was offered. in the long run, i got it closer to how i see the spiritual side of this program and kept the essence of what it was saying. something i have no trouble saying is:

Kerri T
9 years clean, WOW! CONGRATS!
I am glad you made it back and stuck around.

so where i am with this whole notion of GOD within me and everyone i meet, is that as troubling as that concept may have been to me, today i not only see it all around, but it fits quite nicely into how i see the spiritual side of things, with the exception of the term GOD, but i will leave that be, as i can make the quick substitution in my head for another three letter world that is of spiritual significance. sometimes, however i wonder, as i am apt to do, exactly what am i giving away when i carry the message. am i nourishing a seed that has always been there and just needs a bit of encouragement to take off, or am i providing something that is missing within them?
which starts a whole sort of spiritual spin that gets into the chicken and the egg sort of argument, which is never ever settled very well, except by creationists, who will say that without a doubt the chicken came first. which sort of provides me the structure i was lacking up to this point. within their spiritual view, everything i set in stone and all creatures no matter how large or how small, sprang into existence when they were conceived in the mind of GOD. that framework does not allow for any other viewpoint and any evidence to the contrary is tossed into the bit bucket as mistaken or irrelevant. when i came to recovery, i had a belief structure that was not too dissimilar to that one,. oh i was quite certain that the world was older than 6000 years and that all creatures, great and small were NOT created at once, but in my spiritual framework, there was no room for GOD or anything resembling GOD, so any spiritual path that included GOD, could summarily dismissed. over time and through the process of the steps, i have seen many things, especially the changes within me, that cannot be accounted for, using any sort of rational or logical framework. people like me, do not get clean and stay clean, we use, especially if we believe that once upon a time we managed our addiction well. sliding under the legal radar for the better part of 25 years, still having a place to live and a job to go to, gave me the framework to deny that i was an addict. i did not see my uncontrollable use of drugs as a problem as long as everything else remained in place, and it did. and yet, here i am today at the end of my second decade clean, musing about things spiritual, which certainly is beyond any rational or logical explanation. i can say that the changes within me, are not my own doing, because if left to my own devices i would have used just a bit this morning to “take the edge off.” so i understand the concept that power within me, to stay clean comes form the POWER that fuels my recovery, and it is that power or POWER i give away when i carry a message of HOPE to the still suffering addict.
and i have made a decsion,drum roll please, to head on down to the office and see where that takes me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞