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of how i see my peers in recovery and the fellowship they create. it is true, however, that i often whine about how i think they are just not **getting** what this recovery program has to offer. ironically, the ones that seem to try the hardest to proves that they are all in, are sadly the ones who most often fall out. i know all about trying my best to fit in and look like a paragon of recovery, but just for today, i will not wish those attributes on any of my peers. in fact i will look for the spirit of program in their behaviors, instead of discounting it as just more “fake news” hype.

Kerri T,
A DECADE (10 years) clean! Congrats,
i am grateful that you made it back
and stayed, No Matter What.

so where does one go from here? for me, although the reading was about seeing in others the affects and effects of the POWER that fuels my recovery, my heart went in a different direction. i have certainly “felt” out of balance since my procedure on Tuesday morning. the humbling experience of craving a “freebie high” and my disappointment that i could not resist passing out for long enough to enjoy one. i am not certain that is what tipped me out of balance of the fact that i had drugs in my body, the drug in fact that killed Michael Jackson. it really does not matter why i feel off-kilter, the fact is, because of that feeling i have been in a meeting every single day this week and my streak of meetings is not ending today. yeah, yeah, yeah, i know, i have said this before and repeat it again in the future, but the fact of the matter is, this addict owns that he has not graduated and hates the fact that i had to have my face rubbed in it, to drive the point home. setting myself apart and trying to pretend it was no big deal, could have been deadly for me. i could picture myself, skipping off down the yellow brick road into the slavery of active addiction, telling myself that these days, i could handle it. i am grateful that the amends i am making to myself, happens to include more than a few lessons in how to live this program and how i choose to ignore the basic principles that have kept me clean for a few thousand days in a row. as much as i want to think that there may be something more, beyond staying clean and living a program of active recovery, once again, i have proved to myself that there is not.
as i sat this morning, the other thread that occupied that quite space was how does one determine it is time to move along? work just gave me a raise and kicked me over another significant figure and yet i still do not see my future there. i am complying with all they they tell me to do and doing my best to “look like” a model employee and yet, something is missing and i certainly do need some change in professional life. the advice i would give any one of the men who call me their sponsor, would be to pray on it and “feel” the answer. what i keep getting is “not yet,” and that is the answer i hate more than anything else in the world. sure i could behave badly and rudely stomping on the feelings of my team mates with ignorant self-will and disregard for the consequences in the hope that they will tell me it is time to go and i get a softer landing. i see that all around me in the world today, act badly so i can blame others for making a decision that i could not or would not make. if it is their fault, then the pain and suffering i experience can be laid on their doorstep. or i could just not care and walk around in blind self-entitled ignorance doing “my thing” until the hammer falls, and the result is the same. what i am choosing to do, at least just for today, is not just acting as if i am some sort of model employee, but actually am a p[art of the team that keeps these particular lights on for our clients. i do have some interesting tasks on my plate and think the time has come to stop whining about my employment glass being half-empty. i am feeling that life is so short that i need not waste the heartbeats i have left manufacturing my own misery, at least, just for today.

∞ DT ∞