Blog entry for:

opportunities for excitement and drama.
such a weird feeling having a Monday off, and as i finally get to this, at end of my three day weekend, a couple of things stick out for me. the first being, that no matter what my problems are today, they pale in comparison to the drama and trauma of active addiction. it has been a long time since that stuff has been a part of my world, but i have few friends and former peers, who are out and about and living the “the life!”
today, i can trust most everyone in my life, which was not something i could do when i was using. more importantly, today they can trust me, which was unheard of, back in the day. ironically, as i grow more trusting of others, i become less trusting of those who live in active addiction. i see the dishonesty, the denial, the manipulation and the flat-out deceit that they throw my way, and i can shake my head and remember that i see that stuff, because it could be my stuff as well. i thrived on chaos and getting what i wanted, and though that a life in recovery would be boring and dull. my definition of boring and dull, certainly has changed. i need not worry about who i may run into, who is calling me on the phone, where the cops are and how i am going to get the resources to get what i need next, the stuff with which to get high.
for me, i certainly know how to overreact to external events. i certainly know how to make what is a simple problem into an intractable disaster. i know how to spin the hyperbole, so what is the tiniest of slights, is all of a sudden, “fightin' words.” so learning how top live with a little less wake, like the other 85%, is certainly a task i can undertake today. looking at life through the lenses of recovery, allows me to see my problems for what they are, mostly molehills and speed-bumps, it is very rarely that i have MAJOR issues, that drive me to distraction. i also know that when something major happens, i will be able to stay clean, IF i allow myself to stay focused on my recovery, allow those who care for me, into my world and seek the help of my peers and friends, to see if they have any words of wisdom. today i am not selling off my last asset because i “NEED” the money. today, i am not lying to my probation officer about working for a friend. today, i am not showing up at a meeting just to hook up with someone to finance my next high. today, well today, living a life of active recovery there is very little for me to be ashamed of, and for the most part what i do, is nothing that needs to be lied about or have attention diverted away from. in fact, today, i am living a life that is beyond my wildest dreams and one in which i cannot wait to see what this day will bring.
so i have “issues?” of course i do! am i running around with my hair on fire because of said issues? NOPE, thanks to the friends and peers that have shown me this new manner in which to live. yeah i know, daises and rainbows, but even the most cynical can have a day where there is a bit of light, welcome to my world!

∞ DT ∞