Some memes

the noise in my head is just way too loud and prevents me from hearing anything that is being said to me. this is especially annoying when i am attempting to listen to the void, sort of like this morning. i know my source material was about communication on a more physical sense, but sometimes, what applies in the physical world, is reflected in the spiritual one. what i got out of the material this morning, even though the “noise” made it difficult to hear anything, was that even after a minute clean, i can still struggle with the internal conversation taking over.
moving on, what i did manage to hear through the noise and confusion, was that i “need” to be taking care of myself: physically, emotionally and spiritually. part of that is to let go of the shit that is invading my serenity and balance by breaking down my overarching fears into small, more easily digested pieces. physically: i am in remission for melanoma and i am using sunscreen and wearing a hat, when i go out. the status of my prostate cancer is unknown at this time, so that is something i could let go of, at least in the here and now. my cancer fears, may be rational, but need not take over. my employment is coming to its conclusion and my fear here, is that i will be unable to secure another position, doing anything at all, much less something that will sustain my lifestyle. certainly a rational fear and i am making job applications every day and i have enough of a cushion to keep the lights on for the next year. rational? yes, overwhelming? only i i let it consume me. doing the footwork here and allowing the results to take care of themselves, is a tough road for me to travel, so of course the internal dialogue is screaming at me.
right here and right now, it is time for me to let go, dress out and hit the streets. forty-six minutes of pounding the pavement will clear my head and get me better prepared to face the day. my life is far from perfect and there are more things happening than i find acceptable in the here and now. the problem with whether or not i accept this stuff, is that for the most part i have little or no power to exert. just as it was in the beginning, so it can be in the right now, i fucking hate POWERLESSNESS! i do not believe in “tests” sent to me by the POWER that fuels my recovery, so i have to see this as an opportunity to grow from the life stuff that is barreling its way down the road towards me. i will survive, hell, i may even thrive, and just for today, i will look for the ways and means to do more than just get by.

∞ DT ∞