Some memes

identify when enjoying my own company gives way to isolation, is certainly a feat that i am starting to accomplish. i admit it, i like being alone with my thoughts and nothing at all. i would say i was an introvert, but in reality, i am just one of those who are between the two extremes. my little part time job has shown me that i can be social and act more like an extrovert, even without trying. my belief that i am an introvert gets a bit less evidence every time i go to work. i, however, still treasure my quiet time alone and when my spouse gets up early and does her thing in the morning, i have to adjust to her presence. it is not as if she is being anything but considerate. that would be easy to correct. no, it is me wanting to have a quiet space with no one but me and the dog within it. yes, it is me swinging back to my loner side.
i was never one to back down from a conflict, in fact, i loved to stir the pot. my entire family was Notre Dame football fans and i always rooted for whatever team they were playing against, just to give you a quick example from the vault. i was an instigator who loved to create just a little bit of conflict and sit back and watch the results of my efforts unfold. there were many hills i was willing to die on, even when i was absolutely wrong and i had a whole repertoire of crusty looks available to stare anyone down. yes i came into recovery one sick pup and i wish i could blame these behaviors on active addiction. yes, that may be nice, but i practiced long before i ever got high that very first time.
in early recovery i became a doormat and a “yes” man, as i thought that was the behavior i needed to exercise to change how i thought. boy was i ever wrong. instead of learning maturity and grace, what i got was resentful, aloof and isolated. my thought pattern was that if i did not have to interact with anyone, i would not need to pretend to agree with everything they were saying and do whatever they asked me to do. steps and time in active recovery changed that mindset. i need not be a doormat to anyone, nor do i need to make them one for myself. i learned how to gracefully decline and how to disagree without becoming disagreeable, and yes concede when i am incorrect. it may have been a long time coming., but at least i see some maturity and grace in my life today.
one quick vent before i head out to my home group. my damn co-worker left work behind for me, once again. i am writing about relationships in my FOURTH STEP and i am not going to be very kind when i look at how i feel he treats me. i am pretty sure i am going to join the rest of my co-workers and stop splitting my tips with him, as i am tired of forgiving the lazy fuck. it is getting to the point where i am quite sure that i can expect nothing different in his behavior and how he treats me. to expect him to suddenly wake up and smell the coffee and carry his weight is not in the cards. i have to accept he is who he is and will not change until something forces him to do so. one would think that being stranded on the cigarette side would be lesson enough. it certainly would be for me. i, however, believe in taking control of what i can change instead of scraping along the bottom, just getting by. today i will continue my step writing as i know that is my path to realize greater maturity and grace, just for today.

∞ DT ∞