๐ i am a loner ๐
Posted: Fri, Jul 25, 2025 10:05:22 AM
by nature; it is just how i am wired. i make no excuses for that fact, nor do i use that fact to excuse my less than stellar social behavior. i played victim to that fact for a very long time, even once i became a member of the fellowship and started to become the person i have always wanted to be. as i grow up in recovery, i see that i have a choice when it comes to living the life i have. i can concede and accept that i am not the most social butterfly in the bunch and do my best to learn the skills i may still lack. the alternative is to retreat into my shell and whine about how unfair and unjust the world is, because i cannot be a part of it. i am very familiar with the latter and it drove my simmering rage. i am learning how to live the former and although it may be frustrating at times, i believe i am starting to come around.
once upon a midnight dreary, i used to revel in my isolation. even though i can enjoy the peace and quiet of being alone, i desire something more, on a daily basis. that something more is connection and interaction with those around me. i get that when i let go of my bad self and stop trying to ascribe motives to the behaviors of all of those around me. the new guy with whom i have been texting is a case in point. the first few times he texted me, i was not sure what he wanted. i was polite, respectful and more than a bit curious. as time went by, i still remained curious, but came to accept that no matter what his motives may be, it is not really any of my bidness, he has only asked for interaction and that, at a minimum, i am willing to give. as i allow myself to be seen, and that has always been a stretch for me, i get to be a part of the real world, even when i want to be alone. i understand today, the difference between being alone and isolating and i do my best to choose the former and avoid the latter.
as i wait for my car battery to get replaced, i am okay with who i am today. i am also okay with how things are going in my life. my vacation may be coming to an end, although this job “nibble” feels a bit scammy. i will see what the reality is and move forward with their process, right up until they start asking for money, my social security number or bank account details. i been burned before by something that sounded to good to be true, and my inner cynic is certainly kicking in this morning. i will however, keep a critical but open mind to the possibilities i may be presented with, just for today.
once upon a midnight dreary, i used to revel in my isolation. even though i can enjoy the peace and quiet of being alone, i desire something more, on a daily basis. that something more is connection and interaction with those around me. i get that when i let go of my bad self and stop trying to ascribe motives to the behaviors of all of those around me. the new guy with whom i have been texting is a case in point. the first few times he texted me, i was not sure what he wanted. i was polite, respectful and more than a bit curious. as time went by, i still remained curious, but came to accept that no matter what his motives may be, it is not really any of my bidness, he has only asked for interaction and that, at a minimum, i am willing to give. as i allow myself to be seen, and that has always been a stretch for me, i get to be a part of the real world, even when i want to be alone. i understand today, the difference between being alone and isolating and i do my best to choose the former and avoid the latter.
as i wait for my car battery to get replaced, i am okay with who i am today. i am also okay with how things are going in my life. my vacation may be coming to an end, although this job “nibble” feels a bit scammy. i will see what the reality is and move forward with their process, right up until they start asking for money, my social security number or bank account details. i been burned before by something that sounded to good to be true, and my inner cynic is certainly kicking in this morning. i will however, keep a critical but open mind to the possibilities i may be presented with, just for today.
∞ DT ∞